whats going on with me?
I can't sleep.
does it have to do with the finalization of the travel dates? I tried not thinking about it much. but maybe I didn't try hard enough.
what am I worried about? what's stressing me out? is it the being left alone part and taking care of Starck alone? Or is it the being left alone, or more appropriate left behind. I know it's not the intent, to leave me behind, but it's a feeling I can't shake. It reminds me of an old thing I used to feel, long ago, nearly forgotten but never left me -- that I got left behind.
realizing a lot of the old issues I have are still with me, buried somewhere deep down but now resurfacing. maybe I should see a psychologist. maybe that's too expensive and I need to just dig a hole in one of my trees in the yard. oh wait, none of them with thick enough of a tree trunk...
maybe i need to see a witch, if one exists, and just cast a spell over myself, perhaps the quickest way, and probably cheaper than seeing a hypnotherapist. although i wouldn't mind one, someone that does regression therapy. how far back does it need to be? don't know, as far back as possible, into the different past lives (assuming they exist).
as good as I am at diagnosing others and myself, it doesn't make a difference if i can't seem to cure myself. what can I do? to overcome some of these deeply rooted emotional / psychological issues? if i can turn back time, how far back and to what pt exactly, do i need to go, in order to prevent these from developing?
but f all that. all I want to know right now is, have I brain dumped enough, for me to fall asleep? because my lower back aches, and i'm annoyed with myself, for not being able to sleep right now, which means i won't be getting enough sleep before i have to wake up for my acupuncture. can he, the doctor, finally fix me?
i need to f'ing sleep, please.
October 20, 2012
September 26, 2012
like a national holiday ...
this, blogging, takes place once a year apparently. But it looks like I'm blogging just a few days earlier this time. I think every year around this time (month of September) I subconsciously feel the need to blog because of the various changes that take place, that are oh so heavily weighted on my conscious mind.
So incredibly weighty that I've been experiencing frequent insomnia. Sometimes due to anger, but most of the times just simply because there is too much hanging up in the air, too much to do, and too little actions taken. But who can I blame, no one really. Thus, I fall back to this old habit, this old cure of insomnia... why haven't I brain dumped all this time?
Well let me just start randomly by saying - I like the idea of meritocracy based government / society. I think I would like Singapore, and I was right, Singapore and Lee Kuan Yew feels very Virgo-ish to me. And "Ah Ha! He's a virgo! It's a Virgo society!" And I think the fundamental ideas that Singapore is built upon would suit me. Anyway this is not what's keeping me from sleeping.... What's keeping me from sleeping are:
1) I hate dealing with paperwork / processes / inquiries that I don't enjoy dealing with, period. Doesn't matter if I haven't dealt with it in the recent years (which is not true), what matters is I feel like I can never escape these paperwork / processes / inquiries. Most people that I know don't ever have to deal with it, not once in their life time, and the ones who have dealt with it, can relate without me saying much. For those who never had the pleasure of experiencing this kind of annoying situation, should at least try to relate and keep their mouth shut.
And on that note, I hate being in a "temporary" state. I've been in a f'ing temporary state for 19 years, and even in the last couple of years some things have barely began to feel settled in my mind, now gone with the wind again.
2) I hate being in the "in-between" zone. Funny thing is, I often find myself in that zone. What's the lesson that I've yet to learn here? Perhaps it is that there's beauty to be seen in the zone? Maybe I didn't zone out deep enough, is that it?
3) Hunger... yes this is a totally different type of problem but it's affecting my physiological state. I cannot sleep being this hungry. Perhaps a bowl of cereal would do.
4) Lack of private time, alone time, me time. I find myself staying up later than I would normally do only because I feel this desperate need to be with just me. Do the things I used to do when I didn't have to play these extra roles that I have to play now. For the most part I enjoy them, but I'd be lying if I say I'm 100% happy and okay with it 100% of the time. That's just not realistic and anyone who says otherwise is just lying to themselves. So therefore, loving someone MOST OF THE TIME is probably the most honest thing to say. I concur. Ditto.
5) I needed time to let my anger subside, and this applies to tonight only. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, difficult, or both and a little neurotic... OR maybe I'm right because my guts' always right. But WTF, the lack of substantial questioning / logic or even a bit of common sense before agreeing to provide such important personal information just seems RETARDED to me. I MEAN GOODNESS... argh I can't even repeat myself. I refuse to repeat myself.
So that's that.
On a happier note. Today I asked Starck, are you my baby, he said YES. I asked do you love me. He said YES! What a cutie. And this all happened while I held him in bed, with him totally smiling while answering. He's my superman!
So incredibly weighty that I've been experiencing frequent insomnia. Sometimes due to anger, but most of the times just simply because there is too much hanging up in the air, too much to do, and too little actions taken. But who can I blame, no one really. Thus, I fall back to this old habit, this old cure of insomnia... why haven't I brain dumped all this time?
Well let me just start randomly by saying - I like the idea of meritocracy based government / society. I think I would like Singapore, and I was right, Singapore and Lee Kuan Yew feels very Virgo-ish to me. And "Ah Ha! He's a virgo! It's a Virgo society!" And I think the fundamental ideas that Singapore is built upon would suit me. Anyway this is not what's keeping me from sleeping.... What's keeping me from sleeping are:
1) I hate dealing with paperwork / processes / inquiries that I don't enjoy dealing with, period. Doesn't matter if I haven't dealt with it in the recent years (which is not true), what matters is I feel like I can never escape these paperwork / processes / inquiries. Most people that I know don't ever have to deal with it, not once in their life time, and the ones who have dealt with it, can relate without me saying much. For those who never had the pleasure of experiencing this kind of annoying situation, should at least try to relate and keep their mouth shut.
And on that note, I hate being in a "temporary" state. I've been in a f'ing temporary state for 19 years, and even in the last couple of years some things have barely began to feel settled in my mind, now gone with the wind again.
2) I hate being in the "in-between" zone. Funny thing is, I often find myself in that zone. What's the lesson that I've yet to learn here? Perhaps it is that there's beauty to be seen in the zone? Maybe I didn't zone out deep enough, is that it?
3) Hunger... yes this is a totally different type of problem but it's affecting my physiological state. I cannot sleep being this hungry. Perhaps a bowl of cereal would do.
4) Lack of private time, alone time, me time. I find myself staying up later than I would normally do only because I feel this desperate need to be with just me. Do the things I used to do when I didn't have to play these extra roles that I have to play now. For the most part I enjoy them, but I'd be lying if I say I'm 100% happy and okay with it 100% of the time. That's just not realistic and anyone who says otherwise is just lying to themselves. So therefore, loving someone MOST OF THE TIME is probably the most honest thing to say. I concur. Ditto.
5) I needed time to let my anger subside, and this applies to tonight only. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, difficult, or both and a little neurotic... OR maybe I'm right because my guts' always right. But WTF, the lack of substantial questioning / logic or even a bit of common sense before agreeing to provide such important personal information just seems RETARDED to me. I MEAN GOODNESS... argh I can't even repeat myself. I refuse to repeat myself.
So that's that.
On a happier note. Today I asked Starck, are you my baby, he said YES. I asked do you love me. He said YES! What a cutie. And this all happened while I held him in bed, with him totally smiling while answering. He's my superman!
September 28, 2011
Reasons why I need to move back to Asia...
1. need a one stop shop where I can get GOOD bread, some contact lense solution, organic grocery, ready-made dinner that is healthy and sort of gourmet, tea shop, those play mats, and any other misc. items that I can think of in a day WITHOUT having to drive to several locations and load/offload baby+all the damn equipment that comes with it. AND WITHOUT WASTING HOURS / GAS / ENERGY ....
2. affordable house-cleaning lady that you can trust and become friends-with and grow a real relationship, someone who would think of you when she comes across good food and bring breakfast for you on the day she comes and clean. Yeah... not happening here
3. good cheap food...
4. good cheap food...
5. good cheap food near by me, as in 5 min walking distance type of NEAR BY ME...
6. family close by of course, and friends, only if we can all relocate together ~ sigh
August 28, 2011
am I simply jealous?
I love spending time at home with Starck, don't get me wrong, but I miss working. I don't miss the 9-5 nor do I miss the b.s. at work but I miss feeling like I am contributing to my own growth. I don't care if I am not "working" and not earning "salary", I don't really give a f about people's perception of someone who hasn't needed to work and blah blah blah... all I care about is that I actually wish to work because I miss doing what I enjoyed doing. I miss working on projects, I miss being a part of a team, I miss problem solving spatially etc etc. I miss designing period.
I still can't get over the idea that the possibility of having a career ever, just ended. Like it just died along with the world's economy. I hate knowing that there are firms out there with projects out there that I'd like to be a part of but I am, simply not. I'm just a mom at home now... and that's not enough. I want to work, not in the traditional sense but I want to have something to work on. I guess that's what it is, I wish to work on design projects - I miss it. And I am jealous of those fuckers who actually have a job that they love, that they don't mind spending their every waking moment doing the fucking job, because it doesn't feel like a job to them. I think they are pathetic, but no that's not really true. I am simply jealous. I've never found a company or a job that I don't mind being at, there's always something that wasn't quite right, and I still want to prove that it's not me it's really them... that I just haven't found the right fit. But what the fuck is the right fit? I am apparently not the right fit for myself either! Since I seem to be incapable of landing any projects on my own, very frustrating.
When will I make it? Or is this it? Forever in this dump (career wise). I love everything that I have and I am definitely not one to take things for granted, but I would really like to think that one day I can also have a career that I am proud of, and a family that I am proud of.
It's time, I really wish to get some good design projects going -- I need it, I'm about to go insane from not having had a chance to express myself creatively. I've had enough!!!
PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE TO DESIGN AGAIN!
I still can't get over the idea that the possibility of having a career ever, just ended. Like it just died along with the world's economy. I hate knowing that there are firms out there with projects out there that I'd like to be a part of but I am, simply not. I'm just a mom at home now... and that's not enough. I want to work, not in the traditional sense but I want to have something to work on. I guess that's what it is, I wish to work on design projects - I miss it. And I am jealous of those fuckers who actually have a job that they love, that they don't mind spending their every waking moment doing the fucking job, because it doesn't feel like a job to them. I think they are pathetic, but no that's not really true. I am simply jealous. I've never found a company or a job that I don't mind being at, there's always something that wasn't quite right, and I still want to prove that it's not me it's really them... that I just haven't found the right fit. But what the fuck is the right fit? I am apparently not the right fit for myself either! Since I seem to be incapable of landing any projects on my own, very frustrating.
When will I make it? Or is this it? Forever in this dump (career wise). I love everything that I have and I am definitely not one to take things for granted, but I would really like to think that one day I can also have a career that I am proud of, and a family that I am proud of.
It's time, I really wish to get some good design projects going -- I need it, I'm about to go insane from not having had a chance to express myself creatively. I've had enough!!!
PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE TO DESIGN AGAIN!
August 26, 2011
tumblr or blogger?
argh seriously I still like this, I think, so much more straight forward in my opinion. But dammit I started one post on tumblr already and I intended for that to be a mommy diary (for Starck in future)... and it's such a pain in the a$$ to re-post here....
what to do? bleh... I AM TIRED! I WANT TO SLEEP... I ... dammit I want to get a lot of shit done but I HAVE NO ENERGY ANYMORE! BLEH!!!
Anyways.. gonna try and see how the video upload works here. if it works better then blogger it is!
what to do? bleh... I AM TIRED! I WANT TO SLEEP... I ... dammit I want to get a lot of shit done but I HAVE NO ENERGY ANYMORE! BLEH!!!
Anyways.. gonna try and see how the video upload works here. if it works better then blogger it is!
August 23, 2011
Vegas, DONE!
ah finally, VEGAS! and finally, DONE! okay the truth is I am a mama now, and it's just not the same anymore! It's not that I couldn't bear to be away from my handsome little boy, but it's really more about me not being able to pick up on guys gilt free! Aye aye aye. Knowing I am a mom now totally changes things, I just couldn't send off that "hey hey" vibe... now I send off no vibe whatsoever.
okay, let me clarify some more. I am not really picking up on guys but I'd like to feel that I can and pretend I am... didn't happen this time. In fact when some dude kept waving at me it irritated me. It made me want to tell him to "stop waving baldy" and walk away but I didn't. Instead I just got more irritated and told the ladies LETS MOVE ALREADY. Argh... I'm turning into someone else...
but, I am still glad we had our vegas run. one day was great, and we made the most of it. we did the Beach, the XS, the great food, and some more pool the next day. It forced me to cut my nails (yes those long nasty nails), it forced me to get some fake tan followed by real tan (much better), allowed me some R&R with the ladies, and just take a break from being a mom. I missed the lil one though, but I think I missed myself more and needed that.
all in all, I am glad I finally got vegas out of my system. I think I won't feel the need to run to Vegas for a while... in fact, the next time I need a bit R&R, I'll just run to the nearest Korean Spa.
okay, let me clarify some more. I am not really picking up on guys but I'd like to feel that I can and pretend I am... didn't happen this time. In fact when some dude kept waving at me it irritated me. It made me want to tell him to "stop waving baldy" and walk away but I didn't. Instead I just got more irritated and told the ladies LETS MOVE ALREADY. Argh... I'm turning into someone else...
but, I am still glad we had our vegas run. one day was great, and we made the most of it. we did the Beach, the XS, the great food, and some more pool the next day. It forced me to cut my nails (yes those long nasty nails), it forced me to get some fake tan followed by real tan (much better), allowed me some R&R with the ladies, and just take a break from being a mom. I missed the lil one though, but I think I missed myself more and needed that.
all in all, I am glad I finally got vegas out of my system. I think I won't feel the need to run to Vegas for a while... in fact, the next time I need a bit R&R, I'll just run to the nearest Korean Spa.
August 9, 2011
Gotta love this
Now that I figured out how to swype properly, I might just blog via phone afterall. This is something that I'll enjoy since I'm always laying here feeding the little fat one :)
Speaking of the little fat one, I'm really loving spending time with him. He's quite fun to hang with. He cracks up at my jokes, he smiles when he sees me, we chat about anything and everything, he is affectionate and cuddly, and he is pretty easy going, I imagine he would make a good bf to some lucky girl(s) someday haha... not to mention he's one good looking boy too...must take after his parents ^_^
But seriously, really enjoying being a mom so far, and I must say we are lucky parents because he's really a pretty easy going baby, I hope he will maintain this good personality. This is when I wish he can be a lot like his dad, and less like me.
I hope nothing but the best for him, most importantly-stay healthy and happy!
Speaking of the little fat one, I'm really loving spending time with him. He's quite fun to hang with. He cracks up at my jokes, he smiles when he sees me, we chat about anything and everything, he is affectionate and cuddly, and he is pretty easy going, I imagine he would make a good bf to some lucky girl(s) someday haha... not to mention he's one good looking boy too...must take after his parents ^_^
But seriously, really enjoying being a mom so far, and I must say we are lucky parents because he's really a pretty easy going baby, I hope he will maintain this good personality. This is when I wish he can be a lot like his dad, and less like me.
I hope nothing but the best for him, most importantly-stay healthy and happy!
posted from Bloggeroid
June 27, 2011
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