now that my head's cleared up, I can't stop thinking of a couple of ppl and things. I guess I have been very selfish for the past 1 year and so... I think I want to put an end to that selfishness. I mean I'm so blessed to have all these giving and unselfish folks around me-- my family, some of my friends, etc, and they are always giving giving and giving. Everyone's been so kind, so generous, puts me to shame almost. Now that I stopped working I really don't have a reason to be mean and be defensive, I should relax and open up more. I think I've been doing that but there's still room for improvement. Especially after today's lunch I realized I'm still a very critical bitch, and that's not who I want to be. I want to be a brilliant and talented bitch, but not a critical cynical one. Is it possible? I'd like to think it is.

And thinking back... I mean was it that bad? I know work was bad, but was my relationship that bad? After listening to friends and some of the stuff that ppl have to deal with, I really had it good didn't I? I know even though him and I didn't do much, didn't share much of the same interest but at the same time we got along pretty well. Even though my gift arrived in a black trash bag but it is the thought that counts right? Ah.. what am I thinking? Aye... dunno I know he set the standard, quite high. I am picky, and I have a high standard-- it is the little things that count and that's what I am looking for. My dad set a great example and Jmw also helped set some standard. In many ways I was very lucky... and I'm starting to realize that I may not be able to find anyone else that meets the requirement, at least it isn't easy, and I am not going to find anyone anytime soon I guess... it takes time I think. But now I must work on myself... I think that's it. I just have to work on myself and that's perfectly acceptable.

:)

I gave in to the drugs once again. Originally I just took one. But lunch time came around and I had to take the second one b/c there's no way I was going to go out to lunch with a running nose the whole time. So what happened instead was me, totally unable to focus and totally unable to control myself, blurted out whatever I was thinking which turned out to be a bit too negative for the first meeting. How sad is that huh? I basically said that he's such a baby, b/c though he's already 28 he seems to refuse to grow up and just want to run away from responsibilities... yeah of course I said it in the nicest way possible and I don't think he was offended, he thought that was an interesting lunch b/c it's rare he has such candid serious conversation with someone so soon.

Uh yeah, I'm straight forward, I don't think that's something I can change. It's not exactly the best trait b/c some ppl can't take it and will take it too personally, but I rather be honest with my thoughts than to sugar coat anything. Oh wellz, I don't really care, I just feel kinda bad and I blame it on the drug. When he dropped me off he was like yeah lets get together again sometimes. Ah haha... I am sure he wasn't that interested in meeting up again b/c that's what I say when I know I don't really want to meet up again. At least we are in synch. But overall I think he's pretty cool, I'm down to make a new friend if he is.

But yeah.. I think I gotta be careful though, I need to tone it down. I need to work on it.... there's so much I need to work on.. arghhhhhh it's going to take a lot of time and effort man!

alright class is starting. When is my damn pill gonna wear off? I hate this loopy feeling

F it. This sux... I have a head cold. I have a sinus, which explains why I've been getting this headache for the past three days. Today I have a nonestop running nose and I couldn't stop sneezing. I know it isn't an allergy, this sux! I even skipped class and just slept. I had no choice too but to take the dayquil that I hate... only one though b/c I know two would fuck me up. And I can feel it develop in my throat, kinda feels swollan, WHAT DO I DO? I hate being sick feeling sick!!!! And I have a lunch thing tomorrow too! FFFFFFFFFFFFF I WANNA CANCEL! This is so annoying!!!

So I finally uploaded my photos, all 100+ of them. I realized photography will always be a passion of mine, one day I'll invest in better equipment and just play around with it more but until then, I have to just focus on one thing and master that one thing-- interior design. I don't know, what makes a designer good? I'm still trying to figure it out. I know I've been getting compliment but even I don't really believe in myself--- YET. I think I would love to do urban planning and take on huge projects but I know I'm not even there yet. I know it takes time, but I feel a bit impatient. I want to be super good, I want to be well known, I want to be respected and acknowledged, but when? how long does it take? what does it take? Dunno...

alright I should really sleep. Sleep b4 this stupid medicine wears off. F, I am depressed. Not sure why.