it's weird. I know what I wanted to say and what I wanted to write about but it's been a few days and suddenly I don't know where to begin. I guess my anger has faded with time, and if not completely it will. Lately Ive been in a real bad mood... it may not seem like it on the surface but I know myself well enough to know that I'm trying really hard, to keep my temper under control. I'm trying to keep it up beat, trying to stay neutral and respectful of others but it's getting harder and harder. I will miss my family when they leave, in fact I've gotten pretty used to having them around. It's nice. The only thing is I wish we have our own place to stay at. All the little things that I've ignored through out the years are coming back up, my step mom has brought my attention to them again. I guess I've gotten used to things, I have learned to either accept things or to ignore things... and that's been working pretty well until recently. Seriously I wish we get a house of our own, I'm sick of living under someone else's roof and I'm sick of renting. All the money's going to waste really...

my dad's been stressing me out too. I know he's stressed, and I can imagine the amount of pressure he has to deal with especially now that my bro's tuition's high enough to buy a pretty damn good car. I can relate, but at the same time I don't appreciate him picking on me when I haven't done anything wrong. I don't mind if he needs someone to complain to, but I have an issue with him transferring his dissatisfaction about things onto me and bitching me out for no good reason. I don't even want to go into the details anymore but I know just by the fact that I'm still thinking about it, still writing about it after this many days, means I'm not really thoroughly done with it. Still angry, still need to digest the anger.

I guess I'm sick of playing the mediator, the nice one, the understanding one. I don't want to be... I am loosing all my patience for all things irrelevant. I just don't have the time for stupid little complaints that are really of none importance. I guess right now I just want to be selfish and just be alone... I don't want to be nice to ppl and I don't want to have to pretend to laugh at some comments that I normally wouldn't even find funny. I just want to get done with my school, find a job, do what I want to do and make a decent living so I can move on from this stage in life. I don't want to give anyone any chance to criticize me for things I did or didn't do... and I don't want to entertain others by sitting there listening to all things that I simply don't care about. I'm just sick of a lot of things... sick of my aunt's attitude problem my dad's micro-management my school's crazy NO BREAK schedule and my inability to make myself more useful than what I already am now. I want a job, I need to start freelancing, I need to gain experience, I need to just have a peace of mind and not be so easily bothered by all the misc things in life. I need to have more patience and I need to learn to relax. I need to detach myself and I need to find balance again in life. I need time, support, and understanding. I need to have faith, we all need to have faith. She needs to shut the fuck up and change her crappy attitude. He needs to have self-discipline and motivation. He needs to relax and trust us. He needs to get healthy. She needs to be less paranoid. She needs to stop taking advantage of her good fortune. I need to mind my own business and not be too critical... I need to shut up and shower and sleep. I need to fucking get over this weird phase.

btw, finished two midterms today. I think I did a fucking awesome job for not really studying. Why can't he do the same? Why?