Second to last day of being 25. I feel like ppl should celebrate not only the b-day, but also the last day before they turn a year older. There should be a celebration for the beginning and the end of a year... that's not new year's eve/new year. Lets see, what have I accomplished in one year?

darn, nothing comes to mind. Hmmmm no there must be something. Anything that is worth me reaching back padding myself for? I cannot think of anything really outstanding. I guess I'm just glad that I'm still on track and that I'm making progress. I don't want to set unrealistic expectations and I think I usually accomplish what I set out to do, but I must keep in mind there are things out of my control and that I need not to be so upset if things don't seem to go my way in the beginning. Everything's been great so far, everything's going as planned... minus the internship. I am starting to get scared about not being able to find an internship... if I can't even find an internship how can I expect myself to find a job. I suppose I've only applied to one so I can't be so hard on myself, plus there's still a chance. Should I apply to the second one too, even though I'm pretty set on the first? I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket, so I shouldn't limit myself this early in the game. There's no guarantee, there's no absolutes... there's no point in me feeling down about it until I try and until I get a formal rejection. I know sometimes it could take companies a while to respond to I shouldn't be so pessismistic......

I don't like this. self-doubt, really a waste of time. I'll be fine. I cannot be anything else but fine so shut it, just do it.

also... I'm quite happy with my 25th year of life. I am looking forward to turning 26, why not? It's going to happen regardless of how I feel about it so why fight it, embrace it. ACCEPT IT, LOVE IT, LIVE IT.

F. I'm now in my late 20s. I give myself one year from now to find a job, that will be my birthday present to myself next year. For now, enjoy what's thrown at me and just have fun with it, and that, is a promise I will keep to myself. Happy Early Birthday tsun tsai, you fucking deserve it.

The day of realizations:

- it's in my nature to be more cold and distant and have ppl at an arm's length, as someone has so kindly pointed out to me before. However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot live my life that way and it's okay to show emotions even if you aren't sure of how others will respond. Especially when it has to do with a person that you care about, why hold back? I don't want to give myself any chance for any regret ever again and starting today I will express my thoughts, my feelings, and show my (+) emotions more openly than before. I want to change for the better and I want there to be no room for doubt or wrong assumptions.

- swimming actually helps with alleviating my neck/shoulder pain. I enjoy being in the water too much to ever go w/o an easily accessible swimming pool. Mental note, need to find a heated pool for winter. Also, I feel normal again. The past two weeks threw me off and I'm glad I've found my balance again (mind body and spirit). I feel healthy again (except I did accidentally swallow some bugs I believe...)

- how much I do appreciate my old job and mainly, my old boss. I know looking back on my blog one will find more complaints and criticism when it comes to life/job for a good two years but I can honestly say that I'm a much better person now b/c of that experience. It was a great stepping stone, for any industry. It's experience that I would not want to live without. It's something that I was proud of and continue to be proud of today. I miss it. Can't say I have any desire to go back into it (nor am I qualified now) but I do miss it. I miss what it meant for a young girl and I miss feeling that sense of pride and accomplishment. Will I ever feel that way again? I hope so... I want my next job to be something that I enjoy, something that I am proud of, and something that will be fulfilling and challenging in every way.

- how lucky I am to have what I have and who I have... there's really not one thing that I can complain about. I'm truly blessed. And my greatest assets will always be my friends and family, w/o them I'm nothing.


!! Cannot believe I responded to that job posting knowing very well that I'm nowhere near qualified. BUT what do I have to lose? Absolutely nothing. The worst I can get is a nasty email but if that's the case, that's probably not a company that I want to be associated with anyway. I hope for a response, something positive I hope. It would be like one of my dreams come true if I can get this opportunity to intern/work for them. Are we only allowed one Kenny per life time? I sure hope I'll meet my second Kenny soon and lets hope this company is it. :D