I know I can't blame it on pms all the time but it is a culprit. During this time all things insignificant becomes significant. None issue becomes an issue. No deal becomes a big deal. Why? Don't know, I can't explain it, all I know is it means I loose my patience, I loose my objectivity, and I loose my temper. It's completely irrational and the only way I can make sense of it is by acknowledging that it is definitely pms related and that I need to control it. This is when I urgently seek out the PMS RELIEF KIT (thanks to ADL, she knows me too well). It states "with PMS comes tension. Try these stress-relieving methods to help relieve symptoms: exercise...drink up (...drink at least 8 glasses of water a day)...breathe. Take several deep breaths, and concentrate on inhale and exhale. This is a form of meditation, and will relax your mind." Along with the instruction came a bath milk which I won't ever get a chance to use (sadly), a body cream, a therapeutic massage oil (right let me just try and reach the back of my back), and a mood balancing mist. It is apparent that the mood balance mist came in too small of a bottle, I imagine it gone within the first week in the first month. What do they all have in common? "Rose Geranium Essential Oil"... what the hell is that? Honestly I have to say I would normally not go for this scent but... somehow it is tolerable. Not my preference but if it helps, then I'll use it! I'll spray the room I'll bath in it followed with the body lotion then the massaging oil, whichever works right?
Anyway. Bro comes back tomorrow. His coming and going always stresses me out. I don't know why. I always enjoy spending time with him and I like having him around, however it does put a lot of pressure on me. Somehow I just get so tense... it takes a lot of energy out of me and the worst of all is he's always coming and going around my finals. I don't even know how I handled the combo in the past but the thought of it is already weighing me down. Not to mention I can't figure out why I've been feeling so tired lately... partly due to a horrible sleeping schedule and partly due to my paranoia. So to end my paranoia, a test is needed, once again.... which pisses me off.
Aside from that I think I'm just really frustrated... I would like to have company. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being patient. I'm sick of being understanding and mature and everything that a soon to be 26 year old should be. I'm sick of being the objective responsible one who does what she's supposed to. I'm sick of trying to keep on top of a schedule and trying to rush towards the finish line even though I still cannot be sure what's in the end waiting for me? And does it matter if I win first, second, or third place? Or no place at all? I'm sick of all the question marks flying around and extremely tired of putting in so much effort yet not knowing whether all these work will pay off in the end or not. I'm exhausted. Perhaps I need to give myself a break w/o feeling guilty and w/o worrying about stuff. Maybe I need to let loose a bit, and not get so hung up on what needs to be done but just enjoy what I'm doing. It's probably wise that I stop stressing about the unknown, I mean how can I possibly stress about something that hasn't even been made known to me? Makes no sense right?
Arghh either way. I'm just frustrated. I want to stop feeling the frustration... the question is how? Maybe I need to remove myself from all the supposed "must do" list and things, to have no expectation to avoid disappointment, and just try to be as flexible as possible? Well easier said than done, but I'll definitely try....
Fuck. I'm so sleepy. Z's home made wine cooler is kicking in....