my right hand is unusually cold. freezing. my cat's bugging the fuck out of me. meowing none stop for food again, AGAIN! gosh dammit. I'm determined to make him skinner even if I have to endure his annoying meows. perhaps I'll listen to my shuffle 24/7 just to block out his noise, either way...

ah. it hurts, the hand.

so mom called today to inform me of my luck for the new year. call us superstitious, but sometimes it's good to be a little more careful and mindful of things. even if it means to watch out for things that are out of my control. for example, "don't attend a funeral" etc. see that's really out of my control! I already saw two in the past month walking around on the streets and ... the truth is my biggest worry is what if someone in the family... okay my concern is my grandpa. I've been having this fear, buried inside me for a while now (since 2004) and seriously I think I can avoid attending all funeral, and avoid seeing any by accident but what if it is within the family and it is mandatory. I would definitely attend one if it is someone I deeply care about (forget about the warning) but who would want that to happen anyway! I want my grandpa to live till at least 100, and I want him to be there when I get married with kids! I want him to be able to be a great grandpa before he leaves us and even though we don't see each other often, and even though we don't exactly hang out and chat, but he knows we all love him and I sincerely feel that him and I are still very close regardless of distance.

I remember how he used to take me around in his old school bike back in the 80's, while I still had the little boy hair cut, while I was still difficult with a bad temper (oh wait that hasn't changed...). I remember myself getting really mad at him for me peeing in my pants at 3 or 4... walking up the stairs all pissed even though it was totally my fault. I remember him taking me to go to the traditional market and eat, here and there at almost every street vendor. I remember him riding the bike and taking me around taipei, just riding aimlessly (so it seemed) and picking little green seeds from the trees along the side for me. Those little green things were "food" that I cooked when I played house. by myself of course... sis wasn't born yet. yeah I had quite an imagination and wow, I actually fantasize about cooking? hahahaha that's funny.

okay so maybe I don't remember all that much, but he lived with us for a few years and I had a lot of fun. he was my childhood friend basically! I hung out with grandpa! hahahaha... oh man, wow... Luckily grandpa is a very patient man otherwise who would have been able to withstand my attitude? so as patient as he was with me, thats how I should be with him now. man I miss him, I hope I can dream about those days just so I can better remember things again. I hope he stays healthy and happy in Tainan, doing the things he loves, etc. Come to think of it maybe I'm a lot more like him than I thought. Ppl always said sis's like him, and bro walks like him etc... how dad and uncle are becoming more like him (basically his stubbornness, hard headedness I guess) but I've always thought "well doesn't that run in the family?" We are all very direct, very blunt about things. Incredibly stubborn and I guess sometimes we are so cocky we don't care if we offend people. WE offend ppl with our comments, our actions, our criticisms, our stares... hehe.... yeah, and I think most important of all I can see myself wanting to live alone and do the things I wanna do w/o ppl nagging when I get old. In fact, that's what I do now! it's like when we set our minds to it, we won't change a thing. Change seems impossible almost... and being alone doesn't seem so bad either. Wow, we do have a lot in common...

anyway. hand's still fucking freezing. what's wrong with IT. Left one is working just fine (normal) but the right... like it doesn't belong to me.

alright. should go to bed, tomorrow I gotta WORK WORK WORK!