Finally! I waited 2 long minutes to get to this... so much to say, so little time (almost bed time). First of all, I need to get my own laptop or computer with a wireless connection so I can blog wherever whenever... in the bathroom, in the living room, etc, preferably on my bed and listening to music... that would be nice. Hmmmm lets see, now that my roommate's out eating her anniversary dinner I can sit down and take my time to write down my thoughts for the past few days.

Nov. 27= 12 years. Maybe thats why I was having almost the same dream two nights in a row... it's her way of telling me I think. And my dad mentioned it yesterday, and my stepmom mentioned it today. It is strange how she can mentions her to me so casually... because it really isn't casual when you think about it, it isn't something that we talk about or hear so often. But the way she brought it up... fits into the conversation so well but really I was trying very hard to not react too much. Obviously, it's a fact, that we are all very aware of... but I wonder if she talks about it or brings her up in conversations like that so easily and effortlessly to my sister or my brother. MAybe I am assuming that it was "effortless", maybe she rehearsed the conversation in her head several of times before she mentioned it to me? Who knows... but yes, my mom agrees to have her bring my brother here for school... did she agree about my departure as well? I laughed when I heard that... "What? She what?" AS if she was alive.

So this thanksgiving weekend... is the best I've ever had because I truly appreciate the meaning of "thanksgiving" this time, especially the two days that I got off from work.. I am so thankful! I wasn't sure how much longer I can last working in that environment... it's a bitter sweet feeling I think, it is the kind of feeling I have towards a lot of things: people, relationship, life. I remember when Judy asked me to describe my feeling, my relationship towards my grandpa I said bitter sweet. Now is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think that's my feeling towards a friend's visit this weekend too, and that's how I felt today at work.... but I think I felt more bitterness than anything else. Luckly Christmas is coming up soon and I get a "floating holiday"... without it I think I will run out of battery... run out of drive. Today I felt like quitting... just kind of don't care and don't wish to let work or anything else get to me... why should I care so much? feel so much? When the day goes on, life goes on.. why get stuck... but i can't help it... or at least I was logical about it today instead of being emotional however really, when you think about it who the hell gets emotional towards work? Maybe towards people you work with but not at work itself right.... but the sad truth is I do get emotional, I get depressed practically every sunday night about going to work. Last night, sunday night, was probably the worst night ever... many things contributed to the blues but... that's no excuse to loose my balance, my mind... and especially not a good reason to cause me waking up late at 8:50 when I was supposed to be at work at 9:00 am.

Over the weekend a friend asked me what is the most valuable thing I learned from work... I gave a shitty answer. I didn't really want to think and talk about work... that wasn't on my mind and I didn't want it to be on my mind... but i kept thinking about it. What is it, what is it exactly did I learn from work? I have to say, what I learned is that yes take things one at a time, simplify matters to provide the best solution. But I also learned that sometimes no matter how much you try to simplify matters, that just ain't happening. You can try your best to do so, but not everything can be dealt with in that manner. That applies to life, the whole art of managing, of dealing with issues, people applies to all areas of life... yes sure take one step at a time... be patient, have open communications, but when is it really appropriate to do so? What if the person takes your valuable information/opinion and use that against you? Set you up for failure? You end up exposing too much of your vulnerabilities and really u get no sympathy, you get the harsh truth. Sure be aggressive, be pro-active, cut the BS, just bring things out into the open... sure but it takes more than one person to really make it work. I can be as honest as I want but who knows if the other person on the other side is doing the same, are we on the same page, sharing equal amount of information? Are we trying to achieve the same thing? Walking down the same path? Not necessarily. Who knows if you are being misled into the wrong direction, maybe he is setting you up for failure... everything matters, should always take things one at a time, and think twice before u make the move, because u fall into your own trap if you are not careful---- don't want to make that mistake at work, or in life. Ah. much better... this is soothing... how sad, but it helps.

So I am back, once again. If this is how my work is like on a daily basis I would be so happy... but only if this is normal-- this isn't normal.

Sometimes I feel like I am more inclined to fall in love with ideas than reality. Running away has become my second nature... you see people in love, looking into each others eyes deeply, smile, a gentle pat on the shoulder, head... sweet little kisses on the cheeks, holding each others hands tightly, a hug that lasts forever... you see you in his eyes, and you don't shy away from his stares. You know where you stand in his heart, you feel secure about your position and you don't think twice before you call... you fight, you get over it in ten minutes, you laugh and he laughs, you cry and he sits there to quietly give you support and comfort... he may not be the smartest, funniest, but he understands you like no others. He accepts you for who you are, he doesn't shy away from telling you how he truly feels, he gives you his honest opinion even if you might get mad... he likes you more each day, and before he knows it he's in love with you. He grows old with you and he loves u, even if you are no longer young and beautiful. You feel the same way towards him, you enjoy being in his company 24/7 yet you don't feel that you've lost yourself. You mature, he matures, you two see eye to eye on things, even when you disagree you learn to appreciate the truth because you can share your vision and see his from another angle, you talk about everything, from the wrinkles on your faces to the latest breaking news in the world. You don't play by the rules because rules do not apply to the relationship, you do what feels right but you don't lose your balance between heart + mind. You desire his body as much as his mind, he respects your body as much as your heart... this is Love. This is my vision of love, not my reality.

Strange day. For the first time I feel useless sitting here, forced to check personal e-mail, blog because I ran out of things to do in 10 minutes. At first I was shocked, but now I decided to treasure this rare moment and enjoy this "nothing to do" thing that I am doing... uh? WHAT? don't know. Oh yes, 2 more minutes then I can run off to go eat lunch. Speaking of food, I looked into the fridge and found my Sankai Leftovers... I was really sad to see those food go to waste. I can't believe I forgot about the food last wednesday, should have taken them home... there was so much left, untouched, so sad so sad. So it turned out I missed more than the food, much more went to waste I believe.

YES it is 12:00 pm. Oh how thankful I am right now at this moment... see u later . DOH.