god damn it... I have to stop saying that based on request. I wonder if it is the words or meaning, because would it be better if I say it in another language? godverdomme. :) Either way I need to cut down on cussing, I have a trucker's mouth, shame on me, so unlady-like. But when am I ever lady-like? Not a lady therefore it is really too much to request a lady-like behavior out of me... it's like asking for the impossible. But I will, try, to be conscious of the words coming out of my mouth at all time... in fact I will think more speak less, especially when I feel like cussing at things, ppl, etc. I need to stop yelling at Levi too in the morning when I pms, next door neighbor probably thinks I'm crazy- yelling at an invisible bf 1 out of 4 weeks... hahahahah I am crazy.
funny, just had a conversation with mom over msn-- her first comment was "that's an ugly picture". Gees... what a critical family we are. THen I switched to another one with me dressed as a guy... and I said "handsome huh" hahahahaha. She said my brother looks better, no shit, he is a guy afterall. But I said of course because he looks like me... hahahahaha I bet she was rolling her eyes over there in Taiwan thinking there's no hope for me... ever... I'll always be cocky because afterall, that also runs in the family. I don't know a Yen that's not confident, all too stubborn and cocky for our own good sometimes.
anyway, another night wasted, should have continued to do my work but when a friend's in need, just gotta drop pen, ruler, what not and go drink. Yes that's right... even if I wasn't really in the mood to drink... now my stomach's all fucked up, not sure if it was worth it. Just hope she's okay... I know she'll be fine. She's one tough cookie. Probably will party on tomorrow night too, who knows... ahhhhhh it's already the 5th week of school and I feel so behind. What am I doing? What's wrong with me this year!!! Things are out of whack, I'm out of whack... the level of work produced by me is so shitty that I don't even want to admit that I am responsible for it. I can't focus, can't do a thing right, just wanna get it over with and this mentality is really not helping. And with all these distractions, why am I distracting myself? WHy do I let things distract me?! Ahhh I feel hopeless, but I don't want to be hopeless. There must be a way out, out of this none-sense.
Maybe I just need to lock myself up for a bit to clear my mind. Maybe I should just go sit at the temple and day dream for a bit... maybe I should just shut off my phone the world and everything else around me except LEvi and food delivery ppl.... yeah that sounds good. Maybe I should just focus, and stop wasting time like what I am doing now. Maybe I just need to travel, take a break and do something else, something that I haven't done in a while. Ahhh why can't I just live irresponsibly for a bit, backpack through Europe and just be random, spontaneous, and worry about a day at a time instead of worrying about where and when I am going to be who I think I should be... blah blah blah bs. just bunch of bs...
I wish to be free. I don't know how. I wish to be happy, I don't know how. I wish to be held, I don't know how. I wish to be at peace with myself and my world as is, but I'm loosing the known how.