Angry...

Just when I thought I've dealt away with 70% of my psychological/emotional skepticism towards her she goes and says something like that... whether that comment was directed at me implicitly or not it doesn't matter, b/c knowing her there's no such thing as a mistake-- she says exactly what she means to say in the way she intends it to be and shame on me if I didn't catch on. This isn't the first time I've heard similar if not exact comment like that from her recently. If she has something to say then learn to say it to me directly, I don't deal with bs, I don't have time for bs.

She should be glad that I am disciplined despite my bad temper and who knows, maybe the next time I hear that comment I will say something. I mean isn't it well known in the family that I am the most straight forward person with the worst temper? Then don't be surprised the day I say something unpleasant, b/c I've had enough of her insinuation and complaints ...

Alright I'm done bitching about it for now. I've got more important things to do...

Recap of thoughts:

1. level 5 A vs level 5 B... she really gets me. We understand each other intuitively and Bruce's right, we need to meet up at least once a year to bring out the kid in us, to re-charge.

2. The power of squares. I love squares-- Getty Center is an excellent example. I can never get sick of that place. Not to steal Ana's idea but I would love to be proposed there, during sunset or sunrise.

3. It feels as though I am parked but with the engine running, with no direction and destination. It's either I turn off the engine and get out of the car or start driving. I cannot decide.

4. Landscapes of harmony and Dissonance-- how appropriate in many ways.

5. All unresolved emotional issues aside, she is one of us...


So busy lately. Some frustration associated with the tasks at hand is slowly going away thanks to a friend's great constructive criticism. She does have an eye for things, despite her lack of creativity when it comes to her own designs (so she says). A boost of confidence is always welcomed especially at this crucial moment, I need to gain my confidence back and must think outside the box. So far I'm not pleased with my work but I hope to present something that exceeds expectation on wednesday. It's all about winning, but I'm really only in the race with myself and I expect to win each and every single time--- basically am I making improvement? I sure hope so.

Recovery began slowly but my own lack of self control has slowed down the whole process (dammit)... I no longer know what to do, or what to think, or what to expect, and to be stuck in this realm makes me feel incredibly irritable at times. I would like to see progress, of some sort, in some direction. I would like to know I'm not kidding myself but I am starting to think I am. Keeping the optimism isn't me... I am afterall a realist and sometimes the blurring of reality and fantasy will only lead to self destruction. Am I fooling myself again? Perhaps I am...

It's too late to be writing anything, especially when I'm this tired. Oh yeah, I was such a bitch today to that guy, sorry but I can't help it. I did apologize in the end b/c I understand no one deserves to be talked to the way I did to him however... okay there's no excuse I was a bitch and I have to watch out in the future, I cannot let my bad mood dictate my behavior...