not feeling that happy right now. I feel like this happiness will be left behind as the plane takes off tomorrow. all the good times, the touchy discussions, everything that brings me back to life will be far away from me again. When will I be able to act silly and goofy again? It's nice to be myself and know we get each other, they "get me" and I too, understand them. We find each of us act or think more alike one another in different situations, this 4 very different kinds of personalities do come together so well... we compliment one another. To quote Yuju's friend, Connie's like a butterfly waiting to "come out", she's at peace with herself and she's waiting to shine. Grace is sociable and friendly, and I am bitter (hahaha we all cracked up about this)... and that all of us are like Yuju at a point in her life, I find that funny. We all have these qualities at times... we all can be sociable, bitter, and beautiful... we all need one another around more to maintain this balance. I think I am rambling b/c I am tired but I refuse to sleep yet... how can I sleep away this last few precious hrs? Aye... tomorrow I will be depressed, then go to work pissed, then find life stressful and meaningless... unless I do something about it... yeah I am starting to digress.

I miss this already, I will miss this for a while.

Forgot to say one thing... I am loving this country and I don't want to leave. Will be leaving tomorrow though.. sux. I LOVE IT HERE!!!! <3<3<3 YEN <3<3<3

been having a pretty difficult time falling asleep for the past few nights. ever since I had that chat with Yuju's friend Eva... she told me at my age she had the same "Feeling" towards work and life, blah blah, so she went for what she wanted which was fashion design at the time. What really stick with me is that she seems fine now even though she's still not doing fashion design, she studied IT later and she works at Cisco. She said "it is better to regret something you did than something you didn't do, otherwise you will always end up wondering "what" and "how" things could have been". It is so true and it is not something I did not understand before, but what really made her words stick with me is that she did it, she finished it, she still loves it, but she chose to do something else and she seems perfectly fine and happy. She's around 28, 29, very energetic who seems happy and is in a steady relationship. I guess the point is if she can go through that many transitions and still manage to be okay before 30, then I can too. Not sure why 30 is such "the age" for me... but it really makes a difference to meet someone like her who's had the same concern as I do now and who is doing rather well. (And yuju said, she is a Peruvian living in Amsterdam)

So for the past few nights I have been trying to figure out what exactly do I need to do in order to get back into school, and of course what school. After being here (Amsterdam) and Paris for the past few days, I am even more determine (Grace said to change "certain" to "determine") that I need to get out of my work environment, get out of that bitterness (Yuju's other friend said "she seems bitter. she seems like she's struggling and angry with something, fighting something) at age 23. So really this feeling has never been as strong as now, I feel even more certain that I wanna do something else... and after seeing the architectures and interior design here (so beautiful, historical) I really really feel I need a change. I don't want to regret two years down the line that I am still stuck in that job full of anger and bitterness... if even on vacation someone can tell deep down I am angry and I am "fighting"... then there is a serious problem.

Alright. So what's my next step?