This is a horrible week. Given the amount of work and activities that is. Well, and of course the other stuff that continues to occupy my mind doesn't help either. I want to know how I can shut it off and get back to normal. But what is normal?

I want a peace of mind. I want to succeed in this field. I want to know what's next. I want to feel protected and safe and know that things will work out. I want to know when where and how in regards to all aspects of my life. "quando quando quando?" I want some direction. I want to know that things will be okay. I want pleasant surprises. I want certainty and consistency. I want truth and value. I want acknowledgement. I want to be appreciated for who I am. I want to exceed expectation and limitation. I want to wow them. I want to impress and be impressed. I want an offer. I want hope. I want to remember all that is lost and forgotten. I want to believe...

I need something to happen before I shut down. I need inspiration. I need to accomplish what I wish to accomplish. I need to smile more and thank the ppl I have around me for making my life that much more fascinating. I need to stay focused. I need exposure. I need to succeed. I need encouragement. I need trust and understanding. I need to be patient. I need to eat healthy. I need to meditate. I need to see Grace once a year so we can let our inner kids out. I need support. I need to shut the fuck up and finish my work.

Too many wants and needs... I just want and need to be HAPPY.

I bite, ppl, watch out.
U gotta be prepared.

I left work today kinda irked. I probably seemed rude. Well, what can I say, I was annoyed. Post-period-period perhaps, but whatever it is I know I came off a bit strange and abrupt in the end. Oh wellz, I'm starting to not care as much. I think this is just the bottom line with this industry- on one hand you know work experience is really important and that everyone has to start off from the bottom unless you start your own business right away. On the other we are all "designers" and supposedly gifted with our own unique "vision", so when one expects someone else to help one find what he/she has in mind, in a specific manner, it's just nearly impossible. Especially when details were omitted from the initial instruction? Hello lady, for someone who has 8 years on me should have known that it would only make sense to show us the damn floor plan before asking us to go and find images that might help her convey her ideas! Why did she waste our time! I don't care how slow the day's going but I rather do things right from the beginning. F'ing annoying! Another senior designer asked if I know autoCAD. Yes I do know... but I wanted to say no. I couldn't lie, but I wanted to say NO. I am not there to do CAD WORK! Seriously I cannot wait until this internship is over. I admit I've learned a lot and I'm really thankful for the opportunity, but hospitality isn't what I want afterall. Few designers are starting to know me and they would ask me to do things over someone else but I'm starting to loose my patience at the same time. Maybe I'm just having a bad day and maybe I just feel like being a bitch... maybe the internship is really not that bad but right now all I can say is I've had enough and I want to move on to the next thing in line. I want to do something meaningful... I want to make a difference, I want to contribute in a greater way somehow and not just build pretty hotels. If money isn't an issue I think I would join the peace corp or something. Everytime when I get sick of the real world I always come back to saying this-- I want to go off to some rural country and just build homes and schools for the kids. But shit how is that possible if I can't even feed myself? I mean I have to be realistic and there must be something that I can do which could cover both grounds. Hmmmm maybe building for the humanity? There must be some kind of an organization that I can join... I just have to find it...

Also in addition to this, I think I'm starting to get nervous about this whole job thing. I definitely want to work in this industry (residential / retail commercial) but when it comes down to it, I just need to make sure I find a job that sponsors me first and foremost. I really do not want to go back to Asia. I know I said "ah who cares I'll just pick up and move" for the past year or so and yes (I guess all along I was trying to convince myself?), I will continue to prepare myself for a sudden change but the truth is, I don't want to leave! My anxiety level increases as the graduation date slowly approaches... and yes maybe I'm worried about that a bit too early but this is just how I am, can't help it. Most important of all is when it comes down to it, am I going to sacrifice my ideal (job) and go for any o job that would sponsor me? Sponsorship is always a huge issue with me and sometimes I just get so frustrated, and the feeling of hopelessness doesn't help either.

so I left work 10 min early for tango class. I have to say I LOVE TANGO and even though we went over time again but I enjoyed every single minute of it. It is getting more complicated but I enjoy the challenge-- it's FUN! Dancing is and will always be a passion of mine. When I dance nothing else matters, it allows me to indulge in the moment and in the movement. It's probably the only language that I feel confident using in terms of expressing myself freely w/o censorship. But then again it's important to find a good dance partner, otherwise all communication just stops right there hahahaha...

Yup... dance dance dance.