!!!!!

K... I've been in a funk lately. And I know many reasons are contributing to that pms-like moodiness, and knowing me the only way I know how to alleviate myself from all these worries and crappy-ness is to do something about it. I hate feeling helpless/hopeless and out of control-- I need to be in control 99% of the time and I hate to think I have no options, or that things might not work out as planned. Nope, not going to let that happen. My mentality is if I plan something, that would imply I've taken almost everything into consideration and that I have already carefully analyzed the situation, THEREFORE I cannot fail. Things must go on as planned!!!

Anyway, so today I met with the counselor and I feel much better now, to know that what I had in mind is pretty realistic and that perhaps I could push the envelope a bit-- I can push my own limits a bit. Yes once again I make my own life difficult but maybe this is how I can keep myself busy, and keep myself on track and motivated. The idea is if I am doing everything I can, then I must be increasing my own chances of winning right? Be it with school or work. I just can't expect myself to get anywhere if all I do is sit on my ass and whine about things.

Also I found out my grades-- 2 A+(s)and one A-.... I wonder if that A- is due to my not so perfect roof design? Or my lack of perspective drawings... either way I don't care anymore. The only regret I have is that I didn't showcase my CAD ability, or that I seemed a bit lazy... I mean oh wellz. I wish I had impress my teacher last quarter but not going to let that bother me anymore. Right now I need to focus on the ... present and near future. As for my internship from last quarter, got an amazing and may I add, surprising evaluation; "pleasure to have as an intern. She was quick, efficient, thorough, not afraid to jump into challenging situations, great initiative, good problem solver, did great work, dependable, etc". This is awesome, honestly I need feedback to keep myself going. I need to know how I'm doing so I know if I'm doing something right or if I need to make improvement. I guess I do like to get a quarterly status report if possible... hehehehe

One more thing, I finally found a glimpse of hope-- Sal sent me an article on this sustainable residential design done by a firm called LPA design in Irvine. I checked it out, for fun, and actually found two job listings off of that site that I am qualified for!!! THERE IS HOPE!!! There are actually companies out there looking for young designers with 0-3 years of experience! Thank goodness!!! I don't feel so hopeless anymore. I don't feel so lost anymore! And on top of that the counselor gave me some company names that I can look into, all supposedly of substantial sizes that do hire from the school (international students included)!!!!!!!!!!! Phewwww ....... now I can finally relax a bit. Everything that was weighing me down doesn't seem as heavy anymore, and I feel like I can and will be able to lift them up one by one, slowly but surely.

This is how it should be. It seems right and it feels right (finally). And now I just have to concentrate on my... midterm presentation! Ha, it's due on Thursday yet I have done absolutely nothing--- distraction distraction distraction. Time to focus! I've allowed myself to be distracted long enough that now I have no more excuses hehehehehe :P

:>

"PMS RELIEF KIT" -- thanks ADL. It is perfect, and no I'm not being sarcastic. If I could eliminate PMS all together I would. If I could be pretty even tempered I would. If I could squash all annoying thoughts and feelings I would. If if if... I realized it's best I stop asking myself and others "what ifs". What if this, what if that... what's the point? What's the point of any of this? I'm starting to wonder, and doubt.

Things that are w/in my control, things that I can plan and turn into reality, my plan of actions... are definitely in place. And the reality is, I have to look at the big picture, I can't just live life day to day w/o planning ahead, and no I'm not trying to plan my life down to the details but I need to have a clear idea of the direction that I'm going into; what are the limitations and what are the possibilities... moving is simply out of the question. Moving anywhere, is out of the question. If this is where I want to be at, in the long run, if this is where I see myself then I will have to focus all my energy on finding a solution that can solve my problem and fulfill my requirement. I can't just jump from one option to the next, there's no such thing. I can't wake up one day and say "let me move across the world" or "let me move across the nation" w/o really analyzing every aspect and consequence related to one seemingly simple decision. Nope... b/c unfortunately, given my status, I need to work with tons of restrictions--- why do I do that to myself. The more I can't do something the more I want to do it, I want to challenge the exisiting situation, I want to push my limits and boundaries... I want to just pick up and leave. I want to move. I want to disappear for a while and have true freedom from all these bs. Would I be happier though? What's holding me back? Or what's pushing me forward? Am I letting myself get too distracted with the what ifs that I'm complicating matters? Or do I have reasonable doubts and that my worries are valid?

I need to regain my focus. I need to focus on just me. I need me back, I need the left side of my brain to kick in again and I need the tough, strong, logical side to take more control. I'm starting to miss that side of me.

F, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. But one thing's for sure, I feel like I'm pmsing even though that can't possibly be it. Something is throwing me off balance tonight, it's not normal, and it's not a good feeling.