fuck. something is wrong with me. I'm out of whack again. I was just sitting there eating lunch watching TV, this stupid Chinese drama and for no good reason I started crying. Stupid show... the story must have triggered something but I can't pin point it... just know that it triggered something. I'm annoyed with myself now. This is rediculous.

I'm going to start my project, hopefully I'll get things done and regain my focus.

gosh two nights in a row... feeling sick. Last night was due to some unknown reason and tonight is because I drank too much beer + fried zucchini. I guess eating too late is really a big no no, but what else can I do? I was depressed, alone, and hungry. I just feel a bit shitty, a bit lonely, a bit... unlike myself. I asked sal if it was a full moon? I know, silly...

I canceled out on my date tonight. I honestly don't really enjoy dating even though some ppl have a hard time believing that. I don't even enjoy talking on the phone with strangers. I am in no mood to chat with new ppl but then I wonder why I even give out my number to begin with. I basically went out to meet up with my friend, and his friends... he's probably one of the few guys that I've met and just became friends instantly. I found out tonight that the reason why he is the way he is now is because his dad passed away when he was 17, I guess if that didn't happen he would be just like all the other boys... selfish and dependent. I guess sometimes it takes such a tragedy to change a person, myself included.

then there's another big news... my ex coworker is getting married at the end of this year. I always joked around with her about her getting married and how she has to invite me... I knew it would be soon, but not this soon. It's really weird because here I am going ohhh and ahh over her marriage and there she is asking me "do you have a bf?" Seriously ppl, the answer is no, and it's not going to change for a while. I mean don't act surprised... I'm meant to be alone until I can appreciate what love is. The only thing that I've ever said "I love you" to is my cat Levi. I tell him that everyday... fucking idiot... he doesn't even understand.

Seriously. I feel shitty. I'm sad. I don't know why. I feel sick... this month's been a pretty weird month... a lot of changes (expected or not) and lots of mood swings. And lots of weird dreams involving my grandpa... what is it? I can sense it... I hope I'm wrong. F me, I'm depressed.