- Aunt went to a funeral yesterday... come to think of it I'm glad we are at an age when attending weddings / baby shower / bridal shower / b-day events are more common than funerals. I want to stay at this age. And not to mention, I've attended enough funerals in my life and I hope I won't be attending any at all. I know this is such a morbid thought but it comes back from time to time-- I really cannot handle any more deaths in the family so lets hope everyone's happy, healthy, and living the life they want. Which reminds me, my dream from a couple nights ago involved grandpa (mom's side) leading us (my stepmom, my siblings) through a gate, was supposed to go meet my mom. He sort of got into an argument with someone and I wanted to calm him down by taking his arm and walking him but he was just expression-less and stiff, didn't want me to lead him. Come to think of it, which is a creepy thought, but he passed away years ago, and of course my mom's been gone for what seems like forever... so I think in that dream he was trying to take us to go meet mom which implied that we were going into a different realm where we don't belong just yet. And I just realized that the guy he got into an argument with was blocking us... Ah thank goodness someone was blocking us. Phewwwwwwww this is probably one of the scariest dream EVER in terms of its symbolic meaning. GRANDPA WE AREN"T READY TO MEET YOU YET OKAY! GO HANG OUT WITH MOM AND WE"LL SEE YOU WHEN WE SEE YOU. Anyway back to reality, my aunt's probably more or less affected by that funeral b/c 1) it's her friend and 2) that friend was only 1 year older than her. I hope that family's okay, it's never an easy thing to deal with.

- Now life... I want to lead a life that's fascinating enough to be made into a film (if it ever comes to that pt). I want to accomplish something worth documenting. I want to achieve something that can inspire ppl (doesn't have to be millions, but just a few would be nice). I want my existence to make a difference and not just one more mouth to feed or one dead weight taking up space. So far I don't feel very interesting at all... but I see the potential. Dunno, perhaps I can volunteer more in none profit organizations. I notice myself doing things simply b/c I think it would help me get to where I want to be next but I am never doing things just because it serves the greater good, or that I enjoy them. Aside from swimming and tango and maybe that's why I enjoy those activities so much. Everything else is to fulfill a purpose and sometimes that takes the beauty away from doing anything at all, if it is only about making a pt.

- School : feedback. Overall positive. Teacher sent us an email from Tokyo and gave us his last words of encouragement. He said that he felt the level of this class was higher than others he has taught before... He seems like a genuine guy b/c he has always been pretty direct with us when giving constructive criticism. Which brings me to this, I asked him in private on the day of the final in the end, he said my design is good but not WOW yet. It's semi discouraging but I guess it depends on how I want to look at it. On one hand I know it isn't bad, and there's definitely room for improvement which is a good thing. On other I can't help but feel frustrated, I need to be more than good, I want to be. I need to demonstrate that I can think outside the box and that I can create something amazing, something that hasn't been done before. I am just frustrated, b/c I don't know when I'll get there, or if I ever will. Ken the guest critic liked my design; he nodded and smiled when looking over my boards (prior to the formal presentation) and mumbled in Japanese. Later on he asked if that was mine and he said "good job". I really appreciated that b/c I know he has a strong background in Commercial (especially retail space) and residential design, so his comments/criticism mean a lot to me. I guess again, overall the project was a success, but somehow I'm just not satisfied. I still feel the frustration and I don't know how to get rid of it. I just hope this frustration will become a positive force driving me to bigger and better things.