alright I don't even know where to begin. First of all there's the long awaited news that I received three nights ago; my mom called at 3:00 am and told me he did not receive the invitation. Right... I mean seriously should we be surprised? Though I tried to stay optimistic and tried to be all nonchalant about the whole %$&^)*#$^*& $, deep down I feel like a panic attack is coming. I can't and I'm not willing to show negative emotion in front of my family when it comes to this. I don't want to stress them out anymore than they are now. I'm sure, everyone is stressed and everyone is affected by this. It just sucks how one person's failure can affect everyone else-- but I guess that's the meaning of family. Perhaps he's still too young to understand that in the real world you hardly get a second chance let along a third chance. Maybe he's too naive to realize that people don't care about your talent, they care about your overall performance and your ability to succeed. I mean did he think that warning letter was just a joke? Not to be mean and maybe, giving him the benefit of doubt, that he did try harder or that he even tried his best, but apparently his best is just not enough!

I made a comment to my stepmom that I sort of regret, but don't... I said "well yea he's naive but that's b/c all his life things have been taken care of for him therefore he does not know the seriousness of some matter, he has no concept of 'consequences'". She was quiet for a bit, I think she heard what I was really trying to say. Do I feel bad? NO! It's the truth. You can't expect a person to strive to go after something to show discipline when all along no one demands that from him. No hunger no drive right? And yeah no pressure, NO PRESSURE MY ASS! All the pressure is on the rest of us when we have to clean up his mess and deal with the CONSEQUENCES! Who has to go pack up his shit in PA and ship it? ME! Who has to go and fucking talk to schools, visit schools, and get him into another school? ME! And the truth is it is NOT THAT SIMPLE! I didn't want to share all the little details with them BUT I KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS! It is extremely hard to find a school, a GOOD school that would take a student who barely finished the ESL program coming out of 10th into the 11th grade. For one his grades do not reflect his intelligence but unfortunately people here, people everywhere do take a person's score more seriously than a person's words. Second of all, he's not exactly aggressive, he does not open up right away to people and though he is extremely talented but his attitude typically shows people how lazy and unmotivated he is. Perhaps it runs in the Yen's family but WE TAKE OUR SWEET TIME TO FUCKING OPEN UP TO PEOPLE! So don't expect him to be all buddy buddy with you right away, don't expect him to fucking kiss your ass and play nice-- he's going to be shy, he's going to be reserved, but that's b/c he is OBSERVING YOU FAKE MOTHER FUCKERS. So in this case the FMF = his Wyoming Seminary faculties. Anyway, and of course there are other very valid reasons for schools to not admit any more students--- "there's no more room in the 11th grade". I mean what in the world can you do when there's simply no more room!? F!!! These boarding schools are tough for a reason, and you can't simply transfer so easily! If the seats are taken, THEY ARE TAKEN! I mean what can I do? BEG?

Yes I'm stressed, but I refuse to show them that I'm stressed. I'm determined to find a solution and just give them an answer vs. telling them all the difficulties that one must deal with. Again he will have everything fixed for him before he knows it... I'm so tempted to just tell him "look you made the mess, you clean it up. You go search for schools and you talk to these schools personally. You go and convince others that you are worth their time and their effort b/c obviously the first time around you proved the opposite". BUT I CAN"T! I know he's sad. I know he probably feels disappointed and he's probably loosing any confidence or what little motivation he had, so I'm not going to be mean to him. I'll just support him and try to motivate him. Be the good sister that I haven't been for a while. My job is to stand by his side, to help him out, and to talk to him and give him advice when needed. He doesn't need a third parent-- I didn't give him shit when I talked to him and I will not give him shit. If anything maybe the lesson for me to learn is how to stay positive and cheer people up when such unfortunate event takes place. Sigh~ I guess I just have to keep trying, he will get into a good school here in California, and he will succeed b/c I'm going to believe that he has learned his lesson. He's still young, he could afford to make a mistake or two, and let this be his first and last mistake as a student.

Anyway, so I'm about 90% done with one of my projects and I'm feeling pretty happy about that. I think it is possible after all, to finish all my projects before the end of quarter. The reason why I say that is b/c for history, she actually assigned the due date of our projects a month after the quarter ends but we all know that will only make it more stressful for those who procrastinates. It would be like taking four classes... and given the fact that we receive NO BREAK whatsoever... I don't think I should risk it. At the same time I'm just so tired of constantly working on projects... but I think that's how it's going to be--- I am tired (physically), not mentally. It is still fun for me to do the work that I am doing, but I guess having a week off wouldn't be so bad. A lot of people who were going to take the summer off all end up staying around, I guess we all share the same mentality and that is to finish the program asap. I think if this is something we really want to do, we would have no problem continuing the course w/o any vacation at all. However, I would be lying if I say I'm not looking forward to my winter vacation at the end of this year. I'm going to book my tickets soon... book it while it is still cheap? Or Cheaper?

So last night I went to Mood again, for the nth time. I always have fun there. But what made the night special was this conversation I had with a friend of a friend. I don't know, but it seems quite fitting to call him a psychic. No one has ever read me the way he read me (other than psychics or fortune tellers that I PAY to read me). It was like he saw me, he really saw me. He saw the me that's hidden under layers of protection, of rational. He saw my most buried emotion. He saw far and beyond what I allow people to see and I don't know if that's b/c he looked unlike others, or b/c I let him. I don't even know this guy, never spoken to him before, but it was like he knocked down a few locked doors and just went straight in... it was a weird experience. He said the things that I feel from time to time but chose to ignore, things that I don't even know how to word it and he just came right out and said it. So precisely that it scared me. These are things I don't talk about with people, and the only person I ever express these inner thoughts to is my cousin and even so, that only happens like at most once a year. It's been so long since I've had to think about these things consciously, b/c I've gotten comfortable with these feelings put away put aside and just mind the day to day life. There was just too many things that he said that stroked a core with me, it was like he gets me. He got me! And I don't mean that in a romantic way either. I think this conversation came just in time, the things he said aren't something new, I've heard it from other psychic before, but it was important that I hear them again and remember them now. It was a good reminder, and I suppose it's cool that I didn't have to pay for it this time :P

Well that was my night, very interesting, not to mention this guy who won't leave me alone even though I told him I'm into girls and I'm a lesbian. Yeah... I guess they dont buy that but at least be smart enough to know that THAT was a rejection. He kept coming around looking over standing close by, etc... he's lucky I was in a good mood but gees... why didn't he GET IT. See, some people are really just dense while others... gifted I guess.