it's happening once again. this feeling of uncertainties and dissatisfaction. quarter life crisis yet again? perhaps. how many of those do I have to go through in order to make my 25 years of life count and interesting at that? twice? maybe three times? who knows...

i'm not one to do much self pity since I don't believe in that, and that's probably why whenever I feel inadequate in anyway I just try even harder to make myself better, to create an illusion of confidence and self assurance. I'm really not all that sure of myself to tell the truth, and I am finally admitting to it now. I do try, don't get me wrong, to really make improvement in areas where I see fit, I do take extra time and care to make sure things work and I do strive for perfection; to be successful is constantly on my mind. But that's exactly why I am scared, tired, and frustrated-- what if I fail? It's always a possibility (gosh dammit I hate self doubt). I realized today that I just want something simple, something "irrelevant" I suppose... I guess not everything has to be such a big deal or so serious all the time right? why is it always a matter of winning or losing? of making it or failing? i mean it's not the end of the world if something doesn't happen according to plan right? or is it? So many questions and so many ideas pulling me in different directions... precisely why I feel confused and lost again. frustration frustration and feeling discontent with the current situation, always searching for something better... when will it end?

also, just had a revelation. I've never thought things could be this simple this straight forward--- all those times when ppl asked me "what exactly are you looking for in a man?", I could never give an answer because I was never satisfied with my answer... listing out qualities and trying to make sure I didn't miss any one key point was tiring enough, because in the end I realized even if I get everything I asked for, there's still a chance that I don't feel a thing with the guy. And vice versa, I always thought I wasn't good enough YET to be asking for that much, I must not demand for something that's more than what I can digest right? But today, right now, finally... due to a conversation I was having with a friend I realized, all I ever wanted was just someone who makes me happy! It's that simple, it's not about his qualification his height or what not, it's just about having someone who makes me happy! Someone who makes me laugh, someone who makes me feel different inside and out when I'm with him... someone who can have the effect that my cousin has on me, vice versa. That's it, as simple as that! Ha, it's pathetic that it took me this long to understand such simple matter... no wonder... now I can finally say, I'm ready. And come to think of it, doesn't this apply to everything else in life? Why bother with all those standards when the only thing that matters is, as long as I am happy doing what I do, it doesn't matter if I stuck to my plan or not. Afterall, I created the plan, I can alter it or drop it all together if I want to! So why the pressure? Why the self-torture? Why... such a waste of time! What a waste of energy! Ah, I'm so glad I came to this conclusion all within one single blog-- thank goodness, much improvement :)

Now I can sleep.