Ah, what a frustrating quarter so far. it's all because of one thing-- I can't focus! I keep allowing everyone else and their everything else distracting me. I need to be aware of my priorities and so far I haven't done such a great job. I want to focus on my life, on what it is I need to do but I'm having such a hard time. I just want to shut everyone and everything off for once since they seem to be doing quite well with their lives and now its my turn to worry about myself for myself. I am so frustrated!!!
Why can't I do my work right? Why can't I be satisfied? Why am I available for meaningless shit? Why am I so unavailable for things that matter? Where is my mind? Why do I feel so distracted all the time? I don't want to play nice anymore and I don't want to be understanding nor do I care to carry everyone else's shit on my shoulders, I have my own baggage to load and unload. Shit, deal with it! Fuck... frustration frustration, this bs is weighing me down.
anyway. onto happier note... old old contact from the great chip maker actually emailed me today. What a pleasant surprise. It's always great to know that I've made some friends along the way, in the two long miserable years when I actually worked and supported myself. Yes I was independent, once. It's just such an awesome feeling to know that you're not completely forgotten... to think that my hard work did pay off in some way is very comforting. Who would have thought... see there's a proof afterall that I was once a "grown up" who had a real job and dealt with real ppl... real mature older adults that actually remember me and mainly, recognized me for some forgotten talent forgotten role that I once held so dearly to my heart. Now I'm just a kid who's searching for a "second career" when it's hard to even imagine that I had a job to begin with. I don't even think he understands how that one simple email could mean so much to me. It's a form of validation and recognition-- and it's also a way for me to acknowledge my own hidden desire, that I do want to be taken seriously as a professional, in the past and present. I miss a part of me that no longer exists, that part which is so closely identified with the old job with those 2 years. Part of me was lost since the transition and part of me is starting to surface again. I think as time goes by, as it gets closer to the beginning of another "work" chapter, I will slowly find my confidence again as a professional but at the same time, that will also mean I've completely shed my old skin and that would require me to let go of all attachment. Emotional attachment to an identity that exists only in memory... well with that email, I think I'll just keep the good memories and it's time to let go all the negative thoughts. Sometimes, once adjustment's been made, it's best to keep to the current course of action instead of trying to revert back to the old days.