In response to message received 3-21-04, 4:34 am: feeling reciprocated but will not be communicated, at least not directly. this is just so I can express myself since I won't allow myself to establish a direct communication. I guess in some way there's still a very strong connection between us, whatever I feel I believe he feels. Except I choose to handle it very differently than he does. This takes self control and I cannot be selfish anymore.. I've been pretty selfish I think and I just can't keep on like this.

but I do. too.

oh and I'd be a liar if I say I don't give a shit. I do. I just can't show it. it's tough either way. fuck it.

if friendster is a tool that demonstrates the relationship that people have with each other, whether direct or indirect (3rd degree seperation), then I guess I am officially "un-related" to someone that I was once very closely connected to. Such strong association typically doesn't need to be proven by "friendster" but friendster makes obvious of exactly who knows who and how closely related they are. It's almost strange that by taking someone off your list, one simple click away you are making a very aggressive claime that "this person is no longer part of my network", literally. I don't know if I should be shocked or I should have expected it? Either way I find it very disturbing that someone would go as far as to remove you... does it really say that much? Because if so I hear it loud and clear... it's almost depressing and I just don't know whether I should be bothered by that... the representation of a relationship dying or dead... almost rediculous, almost.


I am not going to let it affect me. I want to shout but I won't... not going to act irrational... not going to, not now, not ever.