so close yet so far. it's not even that easy, anytime I slow down and have some free quiet time I start to think and remember and miss... how do you just let something go when it was there for such a big part of your life? just gotta focus on moving forward I guess. to do what's best to be harsh to do whatever needs be to get over it... it's like riding a bike up hill and you just can't slow down or look back or loose focus b/c you will either slide back down or you will fall and hurt yourself. the only feeling i allow myself to feel now is probably anger, i just can't allow time and past memory to sneak back in even though that feeling still creeps up from time to time, especially after work coming home ... driving alone, going to pick up food alone, etc etc. it sux really but this is what needs to be done. it's like a class you must take before you can graduate... and its one class you look forward to taking b.c after that u are done, but it is also a class you dread b.c. you have to endure it for x amount of time and it is just such a slow and painful process... ahhhhhh this sux.

also someone asked me what am I passionate about... list three things that I am passionate about... I was speechless. I didn't know or could not think of one thing, not even one thing that I can say I absolutely love. Actually there's something that popped into my mind but it wasn't a thing, it was a person that no longer exists. it's almost strange I wonder if I associate a lot of things that I love, with someone that's no longer here. therefore that passion is also gone, none existent. I think I love dancing, I can always dance, dancing makes me happy I think. I think I want to play piano, I want to be good at something... I want to be artistic and creative... everything I THINK I want to do isn't what I am doing right now.

I feel like I am so caught up with what needs to be done, what's next and what's plan B and how to minimize risk and how do I maximize reward in a short time... but none of it brings me happiness... I always try to repress my desire and do what seems to be "right"... but how is it right if am really just compromising myself? I've lost myself through out the years just trying to please others... make sure my dad is proud make sure no one needs to worry about me make sure i am a good role model for my siblings make sure i don't do anything morally wrong and most of all, make sure i don't hurt others feeling when I am not happy! I want to try something new but I don't b/c I stop myself and think about the "consequences"... but fuck it by the time i am done thinking the moment's passed and things are different! i want to escape this routine this mindset this way of thinking, of processing information, of analyzing a situation... want to get out of me and into someone else... a different set of behavior try diff flavors... I m so sick of me. what the heck, what if i were to do things totally differently on purpose? how would that be like? would I still be me? apprently not... but would I be happier? possibly... maybe.... but still ultimately too scared to find out... not scared, but TOO RISKY. Arghhhhh FUCK ME.