One week has gone by. I said I would give myself two weeks of time to slowly move towards the light in the end of the tunnel, if there's any that is. The light = wisdom and rationality and maybe, normalcy. But is it really that easy? It's not that simple is it? It's not something I can just put behind me like I do with everything else since this to me is a big deal. To feel the certainty towards this subject matter is rare on my part, since I'm not one to easily ascertain my inner voice so readily and openly. Perhaps it's time I allow myself to indulge in such emotions or maybe, like I said before, when I find it I'll know. Well I know... or at least I'm 90% sure.

But what's one to do with such desire when the expectation is unclear? How should I conduct myself given the short lived experience and knowing that sometimes a moment is just a moment and it does not last a lifetime? This is a tough question and I am not sure if I know the answer. But it is fair of me to ask right? Isn't it? There's so many things that I wonder about lately and I'm not sure whether I am ready for the answers but I do know that I am ready for a chance, a change. Somehow I feel I deserve it, and that it's about time.

Well, timing is everything...

k i just realized something weird (no sh*t) about myself. I noticed that there are only a handful of ppl that I feel extremely comfortable with, and whom I can openly express my emotions freely w/o having to think twice. Mainly to say "Miss You!" to... and most of them are girls. Actually... yeah pretty much all of them are girls. The funny part is these ppl were supposedly connected to me in the past, where I was related to them based on a male/female relationship. And of course, I was the male. Hmmmmm so then is it safe to assume that it takes me lifetimes to get truly comfortable around someone, that it takes that kind of history for me to open up and just to be honest about my feelings and thoughts w/o holding back? See with Cindy we are supposedly a perfect match, perfect compliment for each other except that if I were born a guy again then I would become too dominant and our relationship would become unfair. That I would take too much of a lead role and her as a follower, which would prevent her from ever learning to be independent and grow as a person. And with Grace, we are each other's best friends, yin and yang, and we bring out the best in each other, apparently in past lifetime as well. She was my wife my everything and yes, I still feel that the bond and connection is still there, and yes I think it's true it would only do us good if we try to see as much of each other as possible. So hopefully she can come back to Taiwan end of this year and we can just have a blast like we do every single time. And then there's the girls... I didn't get a chance to ask about them but I think we are this close for a reason too. Perhaps they were my 4 wives... hehe... and maybe that's why I am somehow the odd one out-- that they need to all be happy and settled with their love life before I am allowed to have mine. I know this whole thing might sound completely psychotic and bizarre to ppl but this is really how I feel. It's strange I admit.

But yeah... I guess I would love to be that comfortable around more people, I guess I would like to be more expressive... and to say "I MISS YOU" whenever I do feel that way. But so far, only a small group of ppl will hear that kind of exclamation from me... I guess to feel comfortable is and will always be, a matter of time.