Okay I know my role in the family-- I'm all ears. Or I am expected to be... ppl will never ask me how I'm doing because by default I should be good, great, on top of it... ON TOP OF WHAT? I'm beginning to feel a bit nervous about my visa... still haven't heard back. It could be a good thing I suppose, since that means it didn't get rejected either. But yeah, ask me how I am doing... maybe I'll share. "I'm okay, thank you". And don't assume that I've got everything under control, or that I've taken care of everything even if that's true for the most part.

I'm the oldest, I should act like one. I should be mature, thoughtful, considerate, patient, and responsible (for everyone else in addition to myself I guess)... I am, for the most part. But sometimes I don't want to be that person.... I know i went through this whole "I wanna live freely and not do what I'm supposed to" deal, but I never did. I don't feel that way now, but I still wish I don't have to deal with this "oldest kid must be____________________" type of expectation. It's tiring. I don't really know what I am talking about... really i don't. And am I really bothered by whatever it is that I'm trying to explain here? Hmmmmm well sometimes, to various degree. Forget it. I lost myself.

Tired. I want to sleep. Had a wonderful weekend.... it felt really nice. I'm excited that I get to see him soon, within a few days. I'm really hoping that June will be the month. And I cannot wait for the day that distance will no longer be a part of our equation. It has been a year since the day I took a chance and decided to be nothing but honest with myself and others... emotionally that is. And I'm glad I did. I guess being in control of your emotions means not hiding from it but being able to recognize it, express it, and feel it. It takes courage to deal with the possibility of being exposed and vulnerable, and I'm glad I chose to be brave a year ago.