what an interesting night, once again. lately i've been getting into in depth conversations with family. cousins, sister, and brother... you know I admit, I was frustrated, I wanted to get angry, but I didn't. He seemed almost unreasonable at first, just spoiled, full of himself, arrogant, and rude. Very opinionated, and uncompromising. But then on second thought, he reminded me of myself, when I was at his age.

I too felt older than my peers, I was opinionated and very critical of others; I thought I knew everything and that everyone else was just too stupid. I was inconsiderate, I saw things my way and my way only (I still do, oh wellz). I wanted things done my way because I thought I knew what I was doing. I still like to think that was the case, and I still believe things should be done my way. I was philosophical (or so I thought), I had lots of theories as well, in fact I enjoyed contemplating about life, about human existence, and mostly I enjoyed challenging people's understanding of what's real and what's not, what's right vs wrong. I questioned authority, I could careless about what others thought of me as long as I knew what I was doing. I hated being questioned and especially hated it when people doubt me. It wasn't important that I got people's approval, but it was important that people recognize my ability. However I was aware, almost too aware of the uncertainties in life. Because of it, I try to control it, instead of going along with the flow. I didn't deal with failure well, I still don't. I didn't deal with changes well, and right now I am still working on it. I can't say I really valued people's opinion however it would be a lie if I said their words don't mean a thing to me. Again, tonight, he reminded me of me.

One thing that's real different though, is that he has no fear. Maybe because he was brought up differently, maybe because he hardly receives a no for an answer and has been quite spoiled, and maybe because he never had to deal with reality... for whatever reason he's developed a mentality and an attitude that he gets what he wants, and he's entitled to it. But is that so bad? In comparison, I compromised myself too much, and too easily. I was always too worried, and I never even put up a fight! How much of me did I loose along the way? Why did I think I can't when I should have thought I CAN! Why did I take NO for an answer and why was I so afraid of making a mistake? So what? People make mistakes, and people learn from mistakes. Was it because it meant failure? It meant time wasted? It meant disappointment? And why was it such a big deal for me to be responsible? It only tired me out...

I wanted to play the piano, that's my number two regret. But I didn't want to just play, I wanted to play jazz, I wanted to play something fun something soulful something upbeat! But no, I was stuck in classical music, and instead of fighting for what I want I just gave it up all together. And of course there's my number one regret-- ballet (dancing in general). I think I gave up mainly because of the events that happened that year, my heart was just not in it. But god knows how much I loved it! Dancing makes me happy! I was good at it, I enjoyed it, and I wish I can do it day and night. But I gave up, just like I did with other stuff... I give up too easily! That's the problem, I give up too easily. And of course, there was band in middle school. I can't say I regret it, but given a choice, I would have chose drums or sax instead of the flute. Again, I allowed others to overwrite my opinion-- perhaps that's why I became so unhappy in my early 20's. It's not that I didn't have a mind of my own, but I was too concerned with whether I would disappoint my family or not if I were to go after what I wanted. I think I crave their support, and I hate to disappoint people. However, in the end, was I happy? So in other words, why is it so wrong for my brother to go after what he wants? Have I become too realistic? Or simply, too much like my dad? My dad is always sacrificing himself for us, and I see that and appreciate that. But I am sure, if he was given a choice, he would go for what he really wanted... it's unfortunate that we don't even know what he really wants and it's almost too late for him. But it isn't too late for my brother and it isn't too late for me... so why should we hold back? we shouldn't.

I wish, I had the audacity and the courage to demand and fight for what I wanted, when I was at my bro's age. because it took me a while to learn the importance of being honest with yourself, with myself. I'm much happier now, and I wish the same for him. I guess it's time we trust him and allow him the freedom to search and explore, while he can. He's one lucky boy, I hope he knows. And I, am one lucky girl, because there's still a chance for me to do what I really wanted to do. I can take ballroom dancing, I can do photography, I can draw and continue to fantasize about being a reputable designer and until that becomes a reality, I can live somewhat irresponsibly as a student and not have to deal with the real world, for just one more year. So really, I've got no complaints, and I will live my life to the fullest!! :)