This is one of those incidences, where you wake up more confused than ever. Typically I wake up feeling refreshed, calm, rational. And maybe that's exactly why this time around this is so tough... because I wasn't irrational, and I wasn't just AUI-PMS (acting under the influence)... I wish I was. This time around I am trying to think with my head only, and keep the heart on a leash to prevent it from roaming around wild and out of control--- but see the prob is with me that's not necessarily a good thing.

The heart wants one thing, the head says another... but one thing in common is that they both want to be happy. How?

It's not so simple in the end. On one hand I want to disregard the words and just do what I want based purely on desire... to forget about values that I share with my family. On other I want to hold on to the values and respect the words, and listen to voices that speak with reason and reason only. Can I find a common ground?

Maybe I should stop thinking about it, but that's nearly impossible. There are actions to be taken pending on each thought each decision, I can't just ignore it and pretend everything is in complete harmony. As much as I look forward to the changes I think this time I need to slow myself down, force myself to take a step back before moving forward so quickly. My heart's been moving at a much faster pace than it has ever moved before and so far the head has taken a back seat in this relationship ... I've really allowed myself to take a risk from the get-go even though I'm usually careful and on guard. But now .... if I am willing to take a risk and a leap of faith then why can't he do the same? Some things require faith and less of a strategy and plan... somethings cannot be done in a rigid process and unfortunately, two people need to be on the same page for a relationship to work.

Having said that ... I think it might be best that I let my mind do the work do the driving... it's time my heart takes a back seat.

What a dilemma. I've always done what I wanted to do w/o slowing down for anyone... I've always done what I wanted to do w/o consulting and getting approval. I've always done what I wanted when I wanted and how I wanted... of course I do try to take people's comments and concern into consideration, but for the most part, I listen to no one but myself. I mean... for the most part I don't think what I've done is truly harmful or has truly disappointed anyone, I never do anything if I think it would really be disrespecting the person but now... what do I do? And would I really take no for an answer?

I should respect my dad's opinion ... I mean it's going to be hard for him to accept. Tattoos are one thing. Getting more than one earring on each ear is also really not a big deal. Living with a bf + 4 other roommates and three cats was more like a circus and a joke, not to mention I had my own room... Leaving a job I hated and going into something completely unrelated was probably hard for him to understand but in the end I knew what I was doing and in the end he had faith and wanted to be supportive. I mean all of those stuff that I did, were more or less acceptable because they didn't violate his core values ... but now... but this.... I know he's not happy and I know it would be unacceptable for him in his world. Dunno I think he'll choose to ignore it and pretend that it's not happening just like how he ignored my tattoos for a while... maybe that's what we all do from time to time in order to get along-- we ignore some stuff, keep one eye open one eye shut, and play dumb when necessary. Well the question is, is it right to play dumb? I'm torn.

I don't want to violate his rules. Especially when I had relatively, a lot of freedom. I had all the freedom in the world to do what I wanted and it would just be rude to push his boundaries this time. But ... I don't know is there a compromise? Can't we find a compromise? I want what I want, but at the same time I don't want to disappoint or disrespect anyone. Especially when that person is my own dad. I would be upset, more than upset if my kid does something against my wishes knowingly... I mean what do I do in this case? Is there a happy medium? I don't know... if I want to satisfy one I must sacrifice the other... right? Nothing is perfect in this world....

Anyways, today I asked a question when I wasn't prepared for the answer. I wanted to ask the question, but I didn't want to hear the answer knowing exactly that the answer wouldn't be something I want to accept. Am I surprised? No, not really. Am I disappointed... yes, but it was expected. What is it that I am searching for? I guess I am searching for an instinctual drive / answer w/o much logic and thought, something raw something coming from the heart something strong and almost risky but that's what I want, an undeniable urge .... so far that's still missing.

I remember a long time ago someone asked "if I ask you to marry me now what would you say?" Well I almost fell out of my chair then and I said don't joke around with me like that, you don't even really know me. The truth is it was nice to hear that, it was nice to know that a person has the urge to want that with me and took the risk by asking... and though I played dumb at the time I was happy. Of course, the bottom line is, I never felt like I could trust him therefore I never took him seriously. But what if I did take him seriously? What if I really gave him an answer? He probably would have fell out of his chair. But then again... did he want a real answer? Because today I wanted a real answer. Did that make him feel shitty, the way I've answered his question? Because I felt shitty... after hearing the answer, even though, again, was expected. I guess it would be nice to just hear a solid yes without the ifs and buts and blah blah blah... if the intention is there then all I need to know is yes that's the intention. Anything more would devalue it and change the nature of it. Or, anything more would simply be an alternate way of saying "no" in my opinion.

Maybe that was my attempt to find the "compromise" that I was looking for; somehow thinking if my decision can be justified by taking an intermediate action and therefore it can be acceptable to my parents... somehow if I make it more appropriate and easier to accept then I can do what I want without causing harm. Maybe in my naive and simple mind I see that as a reasonable option because if the heart is there, if the intention is there, then why can't it be done? If two people are real serious about each other, then why not? Well... I guess there's a lot more whys than I had wanted to hear. And also, it does take some guts, some irrational urge... w.o it, we'll never get to that step. For me... unfortunately that urge is gone now, I can only take rejection once.

I think I need to go for a swim tomorrow. I am thirsty, need some clarity.