this is annoying. I am annoyed. the whole weekend felt fragmented and it's as if I didn't really get to rest. working overtime it seems... my brain needs a rest. I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow either... my right foot feels weak and therefore I don't feel like going to the tango class either. I need a day of quietness and rest, a day to work out all the details and fill in the blanks. I need to finalize my model so I can start creating my plan. I feel so stressed out even though I don't show it, but it's constantly on the back of my mind. Once again this is something that others can't relate to unless they are in the same industry. Why do I always get into a field that others can't relate to or don't care to understand? First the high tech world was really just boring and out there... and it wasn't until I quit did a friend finally start in that industry... he's probably the only person who gets it and the only one who respects me for it, and still asks me for advice from time to time. And now this... thank goodness I have made a couple of friends with ppl in school, ppl that are going through the same thing and ppl that have some clue as to what it is we are doing, or what it takes to do it right. I really do enjoy talking to my classmates, I love how we swap ideas etc. Too bad I no longer talk to Mr. MIT as much as I did otherwise he is really cool to talk to when it comes to Design related. I definitely need to meet more ppl in the same field, more friendly easy going humble folks that are as excited about this as I am, and as willing to discuss it as I am. Yup... I think I've decided, from now on I will not talk to ppl about design unless I get desperate. It's like that Chinese saying... "playing music for a cow"... can't possibly expect a cow to appreciate something so out of its range.

Anyway... I'm just annoyed. This whole weekend was annoying. I hope this coming week will be better...

and I hope I can figure things out tomorrow.... :P

it's one of those days, unreasonably annoyed. Maybe not completely without reason but it's definitely nothing to focus on and feel this $^&$*#^$*& about it. But because of it, I haven't been able to function well. I just feel stupid lately and I feel like I've been behaving like a dumb person; my responses to things and my reaction have been so slow that I can't even believe it myself. I can't calculate well, I can't seem to follow ppl and their words, I don't get things as quickly as I normally do, I tend to forget things... and worse of all I feel like my judgment's been off! I can't type as quickly and as accurately as I used to, now I tend to switch the letters in a word or I type out words that have nothing to do with what I mean to say... arghhh this left hemisphere and right hemisphere imbalance is driving me nuts! I mean all these would be acceptable if I was able to create and design like no tomorrow, but that's not the case. So now I feel like I'm loosing what I used to be good at, and with regards to things that I need to be super good at right now... well lets just say I'm nowhere near that. So it's a frustrating situation! It's this desire to maintain and to become better at things, yet seeing the opposite is really killing me. Worse of all, given my obsessive personality, I can't seem to get my mind off of the topic!!! I want to rest desperately but my mind just keeps thinking about the problem... n the need to come up with a solution is pushing the brain to wrap itself around the issue... it has wrapped itself around the damn problem so tightly that now it is stuck! I think about it when I wake up, and I continue to think about it (or dream about it) when I'm asleep, and day after day night after night it is thinking.. obsessing, and dying... I know I need a break. I know I need to let it go and focus on something else but it is not working!!!!! I just want to come up with a solution immediately so I can relax! Ahhhhh this is when I want to just smack that TA so badly if it wasn't for her fucking advice I wouldn't be sitting here contemplating about this damn design issue for 4 days straight! I haven't been able to sleep well and I'm just starting to get annoyed and pissed about it all. I WANT MY BRAIN TO STOP FOR JUST A FEW HRS SO I CAN RELAX. I DON"T KNOW THE SOLUTION I DON"T KNOW HOW TO EXTERNALIZE THE IMAGE I SEE AND I CAN"T DRAW! I ADMIT IT! I CAN"T DRAW!!!! AHHHHHHHH And apparently I can't do simple calculations anymore either! I just feel totally useless lately... I feel stupid!!!! I never feel stupid but today I feel stupid!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I need to be distracted! Someone or something distract me pleaseeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!