please don't start raining again. I'm not feeling my best and if it rains at all, even a little bit it will push me towards feeling depressed for the remainder of the day.

I had trouble sleeping again last night. Went to sleep at 1:30, woke up at 2:30, tossed and turned for I don't know how long (believe it was 2 hr at a minimum) and not sure how I fell asleep, but finally woke up around 9:30... laid there for an additional 30 min and forced myself to get up even though I felt like crap. But prepared breakfast for myself (yes it's a first in a long while) and handled my traffic citation (down to $192!! pheww~) then checked my mail-- I think that's when my mood dropped to below 0, below level ground. But remember the wisdom from the great teachers, don't get too excited about anything, and don't get too depressed about anything-- always try to maintain a balance, too much or too little of something isn't good and I say that this applies to emotion as well. I'm neither sad nor happy, just maybe a bit... don't know, what's that word that I am looking for? It's kind of like, feeling a sense of loss, almost feels unfortunate that it turned out this way but it wouldn't be right any other way... it's almost as if this is meant to be, to happen this way for a reason, and I'm just going along with the lesson even though it doesn't particularly make anyone happy to be taking this class... but it's a required course that we can't avoid.

I don't doubt the decision I've made because once my mind's made up, that pretty much means I've taken a long enough of a time to think through all the ins and outs of a situation before I take a stand. And I don't think I will regret how things unfold, but I can't help but wonder whether I will ever find peace, in my heart, for letting go something that was once so precious to me. I guess sometimes the mind needs to take the 2nd seat and let the feeling overwrites the course, and though it makes no sense to me to let go everything that was built with such great effort from both parties but it does feel right to walk away from it. I pride myself on my ability to analyze things with not only the mind but also the heart, however sometimes I do fear of a change of heart, if it happens would I feel a sense of regret? Or will I accept things for the way they are b/c afterall I made a choice, and it's a choice that I'm responsible for and no one else? I guess only time will tell.

On a lighter note, I'm super happy that there's now a show called QUEER EYES FOR THE STRAIGHT GIRL. Yes, not that I think I'm sloppy enough to qualify for the show but I can take some tips from it, such as 1) how to make a quick delicious appetizer for friends and 2) workout routines that's possible 3) how to do better hair / makeup. Hehehehe..... ;) A girl can appreciate all the little help she can get, even if it's from a TV show.