It's hard... to contain. But i've been doing a good job so far. I feel these emotions and instead of just letting them out, and explode, I've been keeping them under control. I see improvements, and I'm proud. Doesn't mean I'm not frustrated though... in fact I am consumed with frustration and I feel a sense of hopelessness. I just want to get there. I can't help but keep thinking about these same stuff over and over again. I know I have work to do, I know I can keep myself busy easily... but I let my mind wonder and I keep repeating those same stuff over and over again, in my head. Or outloud sometimes...

Almost want to just shut down. Or to get lost in another reality just so I can temporarily relief myself of this frustration. I know what I want, and I am sure of it. If it is a matter of time then that's what I would like to know. And I would like to know how much time. I need something concrete, I need more than "I try"... I need intention, action, a promise, and an uncompromising attitude that tells me "yes it is going to happen no matter what". Maybe this is why I almost like deadlines, because they entail things will get done someday. Things will happen, one day. I am beginning to realize that I cannot deny my inner most desire, I cannot ignore it. I want what I want, and there's no other way around it. It's only fair for me to acknowledge myself once w/o being overtly rational or cautious. In fact forget about rationality, this is a matter of the heart not the mind. It's time I give my heart the time of day to speak its mind (ironically) ... and the truth is I need more. Or, perhaps it isn't "more", it's just assurance. I want something solid, I want something straight forward w/o leaving room for misinterpretation. I want time, together, to live in the now and to prepare for the future. I want to know that the future I have in my mind will happen, no matter what. I want resolution, I don't want anymore open ended date. I want this to work out, and I don't want there to be any doubt. I want to spend the rest of my life with the person that I'm with and no one else. I want to know now.