so tempted to respond but didn't. I even wrote my reply but clicked cancel afterall. guess it is better that I didn't b/c I don't want to set us both back by saying something now, even though I want to say that I understand and at times I even feel the same way; and mainly he hasn't been replaced. but we've came so far and made so much progress, i cannot let my temporary instability/emotion get the better half of me. i'm not saying I should just ignore how i feel but sometimes I need to let that feeling sit, b/c I know myself well enough to know my feelings are always inconsistent. i guess this is what the post break up is all about? you get a mix of emotion that rotates through your body/brain... its like getting a bag of M&Ms and you never know what color you'll get next... but you know there's only so many colors and it is a matter of time you finish the whole bag and be done with it. all I know right now is it isn't any easier for me as it is for him, perhaps things seem diff with me b/c I am lucky to have all these great friends around and I am always so freaking busy with work... but overall I do miss what we had, very much so. it's hard to replace that, and I don't plan on it any time soon. I think to counter the sadness or loneliness I've been keeping myself extra busy, either I work longer hrs or I make sure my past times' filled with events... I surrond myself with a lot of people even on weekdays now, going out partying on weekdays' the new thing for me but I dont believe I can handle that for more than a week. I think I'm done with that this week. generally speaking just going through a lot of whacked out phases lately, not just b/c of this post break up but also with work... i feel this intense pressure slowly building up and slowly eating me, everyone at work up... so many changes and new announcement as of the past month that I am beginning to feel the need to not only create my plan B, C, but to act on them ASAP. But it is hard to make a decision when either you have incomplete information, or that you have too much to consider. I feel like there's this question mark hanging over my head concerning work and lifestyle and everything a 23 year old should think about... a friend of mine said that I am going through my quarter life crisis... I believe she's right.

On Tuesday I took a day off for myself. I gave myself a day off and the permission to be completely irresponsible. Perhaps not completely b/c I still checked my work e-mail but overall... that day was a day of rest much needed, and much anticipated. I woke up feeling shitty (mentally) and my only response to having to wake up was "I refuse to go into work today". probably b/c of the previous night when a con-call conversation with Taiwan became rude and unprofessional (rude on other person's part but unprofessional was on my part), it ended up with my boss advising me to let it go and try not to cuss them out when VP is present (on call). i understand i need to always stay professional but it is tough when you are dealing with morons... its like talking to an uneducated individual who cannot read and comprehend things properly... yet who also had no decency or patience to listen when you try to clarify the situation for him. sometimes I imagine cussing him out and say I QUIT afterwards. Funny b/c I know I am not the only person who thinks that way and I think a co worker of mine might do that before i get a chance to... :P so that day I woke up, posted my resume, sent a few out, called my dad's friend for advice (very interesting by the way, he understands where I am coming from and what I was trying to achieve more than my dad does...) met up with sal for lunch, came home for work (why can't I just let it go? I have some serious issues) and met up with Ana and Sal for work out by my house. that night we all went to Sal's house drank and sang Kareoke... it's like can a Tuesday day and night be any better!? But my wednesday morning was like hell though...

so anyway, Thursday flew out to San Jose, 2 meetings, came back, and decided that a girl needs to party so few friends and I went to a club. I have to say it was okay, but i felt alive to be out instead of sitting home and bitch about how tired i was flying. I gotta get used to this flying business I think... might as well live it up a little. speaking of flying I realized there are so many people doing that, flying in and out for work, but I also noticed that most of these people are older male in high tech industry, very few female and out of the couple female there's very few asians. It's almost strange to know and acknowledge that I am part of that group... or that I too, at 23 is competing or on the same playing field as these people, mostly men... I am supposed to be like one of them... but I am not. I feel out of place. boss also told me that they are trying to train me into this super business woman figure... and asked when will I become one. My answer to him was "I want to get married and have a family"... hehe I am not sure if he heard me and if he did, I wonder if he understand me? On the way back I was offered a chance to relocate to San Jose and work from the US Alpha Head Quarter once it is set up... I had no response.

all along I was stressing about not knowing where my future would be since we knew where the company is going but we weren't sure if we were invited on board. That was one question mark hanging over my head and now that one is solved but another question mark has taken its place. Would I want to move up? should I consider it? what does taking that offer mean to me, my life, and my career? Now I am in a state of ... confusion almost. conflicting ideas are flying around in my mind and while the rational side of me is saying that "you are single, young, and flexible, why not take this opportunity and find out what you can make out of it. why not give it a shot and if you don't like it, you can always come back... at this this way you can further advance your career and build your network with these newly established account, and you can negotiate for new salary and perhaps a new status". That's totally the head talking, now the heart would tell me "are you sure you've been so unhappy for a long period of time now, especially with the way this management handles things, you know they are most likely just using you for the period of time until they find professional sales to replace all of us now. this isn't even something you want, why not go for Interior design or Photography.. or perhaps take this time out to reevaluate your worth on the job market... you can always go back to MBA.... what about family and friends and lifestyle here... you hate rain, you need to stay in Sunny S. Cal!"

it's like the two voices are having a shouting match over and over again, see who wins by yelling louder and louder, eventually drowning the other voice out. I mean I want to keep my lifestyle, but is it realistic? b/c my lifestyle is pretty much 100% associated with whether I have a job here or not.... what do I do?

Tomorrow I am going to MOCA, I think tomorrow I will relax, enjoy the simpler things of life (art) and then come home and rethink my options. time for new strategies and weight my plan A, B, C. Still so much on my mind but I think my body and brain is ready to crash...