I felt lonely. Last night... but instead of fighting it I embraced it. I have nothing planned for tonight, even though it is by choice but that loneliness is still here... it only gets stronger at night, when the sun's down. Oh deja vu, I believe I have written that somewhere before... and for sure I have said that more than once... every year, almost every lonely single night... hahahahah so pathetic this makes me laugh.

It has been a while since I had the pleasure of staying up late at night, alone, hearing only the sound of my fingers hitting against the keyboard. The silent conversations I have with several people at once all resonate one sound to me... but this sound is so soothing, it represents the liveliness of my late-night social life and more importantly, it brings back this comfort that can only be associated with my old lifestyle and routine. So much has changed in one month, so much yet so little. It's quite a contradiction I know, but it is so true. So true in a sense that I have slowly become this workaholic whose schedule has changed dramatically from the old student years, yet the structured time frame is not so different than how it was before. Still live life in terms of doing something daily as a mean of "moving foward", achieving goals step by step. Before it was through school and I was able to move forward by finishing requirements, but now in general the routine is not much different than the rountine back then in terms of its established purpose-- to accomplish and achieve goals. Now I simply shifted my time schedule up by few hours and start my day earlier, with longer hours and definitely less flexibility. But what has changed really, isn't the shifting of schedule, but the shifting of mindset. And I believe this is where the "so much yet so little" idea comes into play. So much has changed in terms of what I do, what I learn, how I apply my knowledge and what I do focus on right now. So little has changed at the same time because the bottom line is, I am not completely satisfied. I am still looking forward, it's like I don't even stop and enjoy the moment, I don't really absorb all that is part of the "now". I continue to look beyond, far beyond and into the future; still speculating what's next, still waiting to be that much better, still hoping to be at the next level, on the next page in life. That impatient part of me never fails to kick me in the ass and pushes me to move on, find out, "hurry up! What are you waiting for!"And that gets me frustrated. I was frustrated with school before, thinking how school doesn't seem to apply to what I want to do, yet now I don't see how what I do can help me in becoming the person that I want to be. When will I ever stop and just enjoy the present instead of searching for the future? When I have a family? when I become successful and happy? When I have that someone special in life? Or when I learn to see the beauty of "now" instead of searching for beauty in the "future". Only if I learn, because I seem to be missing all the fine stuff since I fail to pay attention and appreciate it while it is here.
Spoke with my cousin, I believe our wish remains the same. We still want to open up our kindergarten, I even got a name for it, and a statement as well. I already know what kind of individuals I want for teachers and how I will set up the physical structure of my future kids kingdom. I knew 3 years ago that's what I eventually want to do and though in the midst of all these mess, job searches in these transitional period, I still come back to the same conclusion. I think I pretty much have my blue print ready and now it is just going through revisions. I do want an MBA in three years, do want to save up money by all means, and do wish to open my own kindergarten by age 30. Married or not, I want to have kids around me by then. I want to have a flexible schedule, I want to make profit but I also want to make the process of making profit meaningful as well as fun. I want to feel like what I do on a daily basis does make a difference in the world, or has an effect on the people around me. I want to create an lasting impression in no matter what I do (a positive one of course), to be remembered and be someone significant in others lives. I don't want to go to work tired and come back even more drained out; don't wish to apologize on behalf of others through out the day, don't wish to be kind and gentle with people who do not deserve respect, don't wish to be polite and repeat "thank you" when it is their job to deliver... but really, I am lucky to have what I have now. I truely appreciate all that I have and all that's around me... it's not easy to stick around, it isn't easy to get what I have... how can I complain right? Complaining will only curse all my good luck away and I dont want that to happen now... nope nope not a good idea.

But as tired as I am right now, I am just happy, that I got a chance, but even more so a choice to stay up late, and do the things I once enjoyed and know I can still enjoy to do now. The best part would be the conversations... with people whom I haven't had the chance to talk to... really miss it... love it, love it.