not in the mood to do much. lately all i want to do is .... relax. I'm just tired, tired of school, tired of some ridiculous bs, and tired of ppl acting / going crazy around me. Think about it, craziness huh... you know I think out of all ppl I've had the most reasons to go mad, to become depressed, to have severe anxiety. and to think that I've only cracked once, in a car ride, in front of sallie.... is quite amazing. if I can deal with all the bs that has happened without falling under the category of being mentally, clinically sick... then why can't others handle their shit and make something great out of their lives?

some ppl are tough, some ppl are truly weak, and some, just bullshit a whole lot. i happen to despise those who bs... who not only lie to themselves but cheat on others as well. i find it hard to support any more silly behavior especially when there are ppl out there with real issues. mental illnesses shouldn't be jokes, or excuses. but more and more ppl are abusing those titles and acting like a three year old crying wolf. maybe i'm just tired as hell and I don't have the patience or the sympathy anymore. maybe i want to call their bluff but i can't ... maybe I am going crazy here because of their behavior. maybe i just don't have the tolerance for games or to be taken on a wild ride that i'm simply not prepared for. maybe i'm selfish and i don't want to face the fact that some of my friends might be truly sick... but i know that wouldn't be the case, if they were truly sick I'd be the first to be there by their side.

but seriously... i've experienced sudden changes, huge irrevocable changes-- extreme illnesses / death of someone i'm closest to, family economic depression for 10 years (that's right, depression is probably the most appropriate word to describe that situation), numerous ups and downs in a job situation not to mention long hours, high stress, and matters of visa and status all tied into one fucking thing called work... then there was school--- no breaks whatsoever, 12 weeks quarter for a year straight--- it only got harder and tougher too, it sure wasn't the other way around. I mean these are just a summary of all the crap that has happened ... few sentences cannot even come close to describe and explaine how it really felt to have lived through any one of those situations. And i'm sure if I had gone to the doctors I would have been heavily medicated.

anyway. just annoyed. maybe i'm too hard on people. maybe my old critical self is coming back and I just need to learn to have more patience, less skeptical, and more sympathetic towards others. maybe... maybe they just need to cut the bs.