delayed realization. Conclusion-- glad I have been honest. Honest to him, to myself, to our relationship, to it. Even though he might beg to differ but I know he knows us better to say differently. There are times in my life that I wish I realize things sooner but again everything happens this way for a reason. Maybe this is just my lessons to learn in life, taking courses after courses... some I passed with flying colors and some... welll lets just say I've struggled as well. Or I am struggling. One thought, different set of mood, turn it on and off is a key lesson I feel, that will take me longer than I like to master. I can't help to question myself whether everything that I do do is something I am doing or is something that's been done to me... as in did I start the cycle or am I at the receiving end now to complete the cycle? Whichever it is I will be more careful from now on when I make my decisions. Sometimes I feel I haven't been fair to people and I am just waiting here anxiously with ever increasing stress for my turn, to be the one in their position whether I like it or not. It becomes easier when I see why things are taking place or why I am feeling this way, but it becomes increasingly difficult to appreciate the lesson and to handle it when I don't know the purpose behind this lesson, to acknowledge it as one. When I don't understand it, I become bitter, but when I see the root of the issue, then everything is that much easier to deal with and accept.

I want to know that he knows, that I do think about it a lot, and I feel bad. I havent been fair, but I have been honest. Only if I can redo my mistakes, I would... but I would've never learned to appreciate what we had/have... I hope "have" is still the right word to use. Some things can't be described by a single word, sometimes it takes more than a title to explain what things are... this is how I've always felt and I hope he feels the same. I guess it is better late than never...