4 hrs from now, I will be going up to the mountains to play the parent, a role that I was never ready to play, the role that my mom should have played but never got the chance to, a role that someone else took over for me and for her, for the past 17 years. Perhaps I'm being over dramatic, but it's true... that responsbility was given to me, passed on to me verbally directly from the person that should've been here, a person that should have been here for the past god knows how many years... 16 or 17 years? I lost track of time... but that's not the point is it... she told me what I needed to do, I didn't do it. I've gotten away with it for so long, and now it is back in my hands, the so called responsibility. Whether as a mom or as a sister, it's something that I am fighting, just a bit. I can sense how unprepared I feel deep down, to be this responsible for someone else, to care for and to look after someone's well being so closely. I've been roaming around alone and unattached to family for more than 10 years now, suddenly having to be this mature and this responsible for someone other than myself is a bit difficult. I struggle... with it... with the idea of it.

This is why, I choose to be unattached to people. It is a conscious decision, having to care for someone seriously wears me out. I can barely take care of myself.

Last night I watched the movie Prozac Nation, and there's is this one scene when Elizabeth talks to her psychologist about how fucked up her personality is and how she's aware that it is a result of her parents' divorce and her dad leaving her, which resulted in her fear of rejection etc, but she still can't help but feel that way and it's not something that can be fixed so easily just by knowing what caused her to be the way she is. I guess that's sort of how I feel, in a different way. To be able to properly identify the problem and analyze the psychology behind it does not mean that the issue's solved. To know is one thing, to ignore it is something else, and to acknowledge it but not let it affect you is beyond me right now.


One thing at a time, baby steps... I'll go and be a representative for the Yens. They'll probably mistaken me as a student there once again but I take that as a compliment. I'll go, and learn how to think, talk, and act like a parent. I'll go and be polite, be concerned, be proud, and be what I should have been a long time ago-- a good sister, because that's the least I can do.